Let me first of all say that the journey has certainly not been linear. You’d think by now I’d be among the elite runner status running six-minute miles without breaking a sweat and a resting heart rate within the forties. Let me be the first to say I’m far, far away from the six-minute miles. My RHR on the other hand, is actually at a respectable 50 bpm. If you’re a runner, you know the importance of these sorts of things! Despite all of these numbers and stats, there’s usually quite an emotional story that belongs to each runner.
When I first began running over 10 years ago, I actually ran a lot because I was fueled by anger. Wow. Yeah. I know, it’s a scary emotion — especially if you’ve been raised to act like a respectable lady. Why was I angry? Honestly, I really despised my body at the time. I despised my body because the world kept telling me it wasn’t “good enough”. I had “friends”, family members, classmates, community folk all make so many unwanted comments about my size. I was always big for my age, but hello, I’ve also always been tall! I remember being picked last in gym class, made fun of at lunch tables, hearing people talk about me behind my back (literally right behind me so I can still hear them…). I think the very first time I recall being body shamed was probably when I was in second grade and a girl stuck a half-eaten tater tot on my tray to see if I’d eat it… I was young and naive, so I did eat it: because why would I want to waste food? Little did I realize at the moment I was being made fun of. Later on another girl told me the truth. The hurt was so deep I felt like my stomach was burning and the tears stung my eyes. From then on I was acutely aware of my body, shape and size. Like I said, the acuity of my awareness only grew with time and continued comments.
At the worst of my days, I was running a range of 5-10 miles a day usually consuming fewer than 1200 calories. When you do that math, it ends up being a significant deficit. I wanted nothing other than to be thin and accepted. The really messed up part is that most of the time, I was really well received at that point. I felt like I was being noticed and seen for the first time really. It’s crazy how quickly it can spiral out of control.
Luckily, I worked really hard on finding my self worth, and I also became insanely busy with pharmacy school. I still struggled with the disordered thoughts for a long time. They are whispers at this point, but sadly, they’re still there today. Like a boomerang though, sometimes when you wind too far one direction, you come flying back in the opposite direction. Basically, when I became pregnant, I totally stopped caring about what I was eating at all, and running was a huge challenge due to exhaustion in my first trimester, and then round ligament pain for the remainder of the pregnancy. After having a baby, it was a gigantic adjustment with trying to find myself, and really for the first year and a half I felt like I had totally lost myself.
You may be thinking this is a story about how I “got my body back after pregnancy”. Definitely not. My body now is completely different than it was before. I have stretch marks and saggy skin and it really doesn’t resemble at all how it used to look. Now, I focus on how to build the *healthiest* version of myself, which includes sticking to whole food choices and lots and lots of protein, with limited consumption of carbohydrates (specifically refined carbs). Although, again, if you’re a runner, you know that I definitely need and eat carbs during race prep season. Now that I just finished my summer race training process, I’ll definitely return to my simpler ways of eating that keep me feeling at my peak mental state.
Focusing on becoming the healthiest version of my body has been really challenging. I choose to continue to run because it really gives me a sense of power and confidence. These are not feelings that come naturally to me, and generally speaking, they are not feelings I’m really too comfortable with. However, I’m trying to own these feelings a bit more because I have a ginormous responsibility now — and that’s being a mother.
Why do I choose to continue run? I want to show Charlotte how strong a woman can be when she puts her mind to something. I want her to see that I value myself and the body (the temple) I’ve been given. Is it about being a modelesque size or seeking the approval of others? Definitely not. I want her to build her own path and run to the beat of her own drum. I’m extremely proud of her because I do see a real fire in her. She has so much confidence and joy in her, and I never want to put that out. I know I can’t protect her from everything, and I know for sure I have and will continue to make mistakes in my parenting of her, but I want her to be so confident because it’s the one thing I’m not so sure I’ll ever quite be able to get to on my own.
Being a mom is not about losing everything that makes you *you*. I have and will continue to sacrifice so much for her to continue to grow into the beautiful girl she is. I will do this while ensuring I stay true to myself and honor the body and the life I’ve been given. I have this one chance on Earth to do something beautiful and my choice is to always cheer other people on. One favorite quote I have that sums this up is that life is about the “ands”. Meaning, I don’t have to choose one way or the other. I know I will be a much worse parent if I don’t take care of myself from a physical, spiritual, or mental sense. I will not sacrifice the things that make me innately *me*.
I will also continue to impart to my daughter that life is abundant with beauty. Appreciate your own beauty in the way that you can. Celebrate the beauty of others no matter how different they may be. Run towards others and lift them up instead of tearing them down. Instead of comparing, celebrate those that are absolutely crushing their dreams. Kindness is contagious. Keep on running, my dears.
No comments:
Post a Comment