When you think of your worst fear, what's the first image that pops into your mind? Probably something you don't want to think about! Maybe you cringe at some of the images above like I do, or maybe you're afraid of something a 'normal' person would call 'irrational'. No matter what you're afraid of, in your mind, there doesn't have to be any sort of reasoning involved with your fear - all you know is that you're scared and you don't want to be anywhere near that fear.
Lately when I am getting into bed I fall into a state where I'm almost asleep, but then suddenly I am jolted wide awake again by some horrifying thought. Whether I just saw myself getting into a bad car crash, or imagined myself getting a phone call telling me that I've been kicked out of school, or even just a sensation of falling, I end up gasping for more air and laying there wide-eyed until the fear goes away and I try to rationalize to myself that it was just a dream - even though it really wasn't. The psyche is weird that way though... Sometimes you can convince yourself that something is so real - even though it wasn't.
After several nights of this happening, I began to think more about the things that scare me and why in those moments they are so terrifying. I also thought about my process of dealing with my fears mentally and resolved that most of the time I just try to shove the fear away - instead of dealing with it. Then I had a very unnerving realization - maybe by pushing those fears aside instead of acknowledging them and confronting them I have surpassed opportunities in my life without even realizing it.
Now, I know this may seem like an obvious thing to think about, but I'm not just talking about being terrified of flying on an airplane and then taking a train instead... I'm talking about everyday moments where I was too worried or anxious to take that extra step closer to my 'fears' and therefore missing something that could of ultimately change my life. What if by being too self-conscious I didn't make conversation with someone in the waiting room and then passed up an opportunity to make a friend? What if by being too nervous I didn't audition for a play and missed out on being part of an amazing group of people? What if by worrying too much about what others thought caused me to not speak up to defend someone who was being bullied?
After consideration of countless other things I may have missed out on, I sort of frowned at myself and thought that it is true that the past is in the past. I did feel sorry for anything I had failed to do but then resolved to myself that I need to be truer to myself and listen to my inner voice. I need to stop being so worried or scared what everyone might think because chances are they think much less about me than I would ever realize. Who cares if one day I decide to not wear makeup? Who cares if I miss one day at the gym? Who cares if I speak up a little more and let myself be *me* a little more? The answer is probably no one! And that's kind of awesome!
On that same notion I hope to be a little more brave and step out of my comfort zone a little more. I want to look strangers in the eye, smile and say hi because it might just make someone's day. I want to try to be more friendly, more outgoing, and have fewer boundaries. I want to live life for today and let tomorrow worry about itself. I want to reach out, to make friends, to make a difference, and to be honest. I want to be scared, and I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to put my fears right out there for everyone else to see.
So what are you so afraid of?
