Say Something?

I'm having a bit of a late night internal debate about social media and Instagram in particular... I don't know about anyone else, but lately I just feel annoyed by all of the posts that center around someone fishing for compliments. I get that some of the posts are on there due to insecurity, but I have to wonder, are people really that desperate? Or is it because they have so much confidence? I know the normal, healthy thing to do would be to delete these platforms that celebrate a false sense of perfection, but I'd hate to get rid of the reality that does slip in through the cracks.

Besides the false images being portrayed, the other issue is the bombardment of politics/arguments. Yes, everyone is entitled to free speech but I simply cannot stand when wars are started in comment sections over the simplest stories/posts that were never intended to cause so much drama. Can't someone just take something at face value anymore? And if you do happen to see something you disagree with, do you *HAVE* to comment on it? I know there are different levels - like if something is obviously, morally wrong, then yeah, I see that inserting yourself into the situation to protect someone from getting hurt is necessary. Again though, just because you make a post about a belief that *you* think is crucial, and someone does decide to disagree with you, that doesn't give you the right to react rudely to that individual either. Let's say someone posts "I hate Trump" or "I hate Hillary", for example. Is it totally necessary to comment about how "stupid" or "uneducated" that person is? Can't we just ignore it and move on and understand that each person is entitled to his/her own opinion and that at the end of the day, that post really doesn't affect you - because honestly, even if you do comment, you're probably not going to change that person's mind.

All-in-all the platforms that I used to love from a creative standpoint have really started to make me sad. Are we just turning into people that are determined to hurt the feelings of others? Or are we the ones making constant posts to get that sense of validation that we are so hungry for? I know I've definitely done a few things online in the past that make me think about my real intentions of what I'm actually trying to say... And some of these things have made me wonder, am I just trying to seek attention? Am I just fishing for validation? Honestly anymore I just try to post about the things that I love and more importantly, the people that I love. And lately, overall, I've been saying less and less, simply due to the fear that even a simple post could set off a war. I know I shouldn't have to be afraid, but anymore, the censorship runs so rampant, that anything you say can be taken and used against you (especially if it's taken out of context).

I just think it's really important to take a step back - I'm not trying to say censor yourself, but just think before writing - is this a post that conveys my true self? Is it hurtful? Is it necessary? And maybe it's not completely possible to have a definitive answer to any of these questions from every possible perspective, but I do think these questions are important. Every story is allowed to have multiple sides and interpretations - and that's the beauty of a story. Everyone will enjoy the perspective that they interpret, and it's totally natural and acceptable if you choose to see a story different than someone else.

In conclusion, just be kind, be patient, and know that words shouldn't be used as a weapon. Treat and talk to others the way you would like to be treated and talked to. And seriously, if you don't have the guts to say something in person, then you probably shouldn't type it online...

Terrors

When you think of your worst fear, what's the first image that pops into your mind? Probably something you don't want to think about! Maybe you cringe at some of the images above like I do, or maybe you're afraid of something a 'normal' person would call 'irrational'. No matter what you're afraid of, in your mind, there doesn't have to be any sort of reasoning involved with your fear - all you know is that you're scared and you don't want to be anywhere near that fear.

Lately when I am getting into bed I fall into a state where I'm almost asleep, but then suddenly I am jolted wide awake again by some horrifying thought. Whether I just saw myself getting into a bad car crash, or imagined myself getting a phone call telling me that I've been kicked out of school, or even just a sensation of falling, I end up gasping for more air and laying there wide-eyed until the fear goes away and I try to rationalize to myself that it was just a dream - even though it really wasn't. The psyche is weird that way though... Sometimes you can convince yourself that something is so real - even though it wasn't.

After several nights of this happening, I began to think more about the things that scare me and why in those moments they are so terrifying. I also thought about my process of dealing with my fears mentally and resolved that most of the time I just try to shove the fear away - instead of dealing with it. Then I had a very unnerving realization - maybe by pushing those fears aside instead of acknowledging them and confronting them I have surpassed opportunities in my life without even realizing it.

Now, I know this may seem like an obvious thing to think about, but I'm not just talking about being terrified of flying on an airplane and then taking a train instead... I'm talking about everyday moments where I was too worried or anxious to take that extra step closer to my 'fears' and therefore missing something that could of ultimately change my life. What if by being too self-conscious I didn't make conversation with someone in the waiting room and then passed up an opportunity to make a friend? What if by being too nervous I didn't audition for a play and missed out on being part of an amazing group of people? What if by worrying too much about what others thought caused me to not speak up to defend someone who was being bullied?

After consideration of countless other things I may have missed out on, I sort of frowned at myself and thought that it is true that the past is in the past. I did feel sorry for anything I had failed to do but then resolved to myself that I need to be truer to myself and listen to my inner voice. I need to stop being so worried or scared what everyone might think because chances are they think much less about me than I would ever realize. Who cares if one day I decide to not wear makeup? Who cares if I miss one day at the gym? Who cares if I speak up a little more and let myself be *me* a little more? The answer is probably no one! And that's kind of awesome!

On that same notion I hope to be a little more brave and step out of my comfort zone a little more. I want to look strangers in the eye, smile and say hi because it might just make someone's day. I want to try to be more friendly, more outgoing, and have fewer boundaries. I want to live life for today and let tomorrow worry about itself. I want to reach out, to make friends, to make a difference, and to be honest. I want to be scared, and I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to put my fears right out there for everyone else to see.

So what are you so afraid of?

Making the First Milestone

Breathing in the fresh air, I can feel it exciting my lungs. The energy rushes through and penetrates every vessel in my system. My heart pounds with every increasing step. My eyes fixate on the trail ahead. I see a lone white marker in the distance. I mentally see myself rushing past it, but oh this hill is so steep, and my feet are so tired. I shake the thought from my head. I'm obsessed with passing it. Suddenly the little white pole is out of my field of vision. What the heck? I glance over my shoulder, and, oh my goodness, of course, I passed it a whole minute ago and didn't even realize it!

Isn't that just how life goes? We work so hard to get past that marker in the distances of our imaginations -- whatever that marker may symbolize -- and we focus so much on it, and get so caught up in the process, we fail to realize when we actually have crossed past it! I'm not saying that focusing on the process is a bad thing - it's just that once we do realize we've had some success it's extremely important to recognize it and thank ourselves for the efforts we have achieved. Gratitude is such an important aspect of proceeding ahead, and we cannot lose sight of it.

Last night I had the privilege of receiving my white coat as a symbol of my completion of the first year of pharmacy school at SDSU. All of my classmates also received theirs too and it was such a special moment for us all. We pledged ourselves to professionalism and always being willing to extend a hand to those in-need. We promised our dedication to ethical behavior and to always center ourselves around our code of conduct. We are not only holding ourselves accountable -- we are there to hold everyone around us accountable. Which is another key aspect to success -- community.

I would be greatly wrong if I said I made it this far just by my own will. Sure my determination has helped me, but oh, that's simply a drop in the bucket. It takes a village to raise an individual to be where there are. I have countless people to thank, and I recognize their dedication and appreciate the time they have taken to assist me.

Yes, I am running this race, but I am not running on my own. I have the joy of running with so many other people (my classmates, those ahead of me in the program, and graduates). I also have the privilege of my supporters -- you are running with me too! It's an ongoing race and graduation will not be the finish line for me. This is a race I'll be running the rest of my life. I will never slow down. I'm determined to push for my personal best and remember all of the goodness you have all shared with me. Thank you for all being here with me. Here's to the trail ahead!

Blank Slate

Once upon a time, almost three and a half years ago, a scared young woman took flight from the comfort of her home nest with her parents to move to the "big city". She was so unsure of what life would bring and had so many hopes, dreams and fears. She was chasing so many things, and this was the time where she could finally be out on her own and to take the creative freedom she wanted so badly for her life. She had a blank slate to begin writing her story. That story started in apartment #216, and her story is mine.

At that point, I remember feeling so proud of myself that I was living on my own in what at the time seemed like a luxury apartment. I remember feeling so established, independent and even brave. It felt like I could finally make mistakes and stretch myself in new directions. Yet I realize now how very little I knew - that's what being independent is all about though.

That apartment was my nirvana. I could cozy up at night and read books, watch my favorite shows like Downton Abbey and revel in the quiet. I grew up in a family of eight, so I was so used to chaos always, but now was different. I could make my own schedules, I no longer had a curfew, and I was a career woman just doing what I thought I knew best.

That apartment was also a place where I could build myself up each day. I would get ready and put on my face of makeup every day; I'd workout in the exercise facility; I'd try to cook and fail. Although it was a great place for all of these things, it was also the place where I could come home and night and cry if I needed to. I could feel weak, small and clueless there. I'd feel just totally stuck in the muddle of life, and feel so helpless and lonely. It was a place where I discovered a lot about myself. I learned that I wasn't cut out to be in the digital world anymore. It was where I remembered that I thrive on challenges and social environments that promote positivity and learning.

After living alone in that apartment for over two years, my husband Tyler eventually joined me and that was such an exciting time. It was definitely cramped and crowded, but we made it work and learned to appreciate each other's personal space. It was a great place to bond with him and we made it work.

Now after packing up all of the boxes, and cleaning that apartment from top to bottom, it once again looks like that blank slate. I shut the door for the last time knowing that someone else will have the opportunity to bring their life to light in a new environment. It's an end to my chapter there, and the invitation for a new chapter to another.

Now that I'm a homeowner, I feel especially blessed that we are so fortunate to have had the experiences that we have had, and I'm looking forward to doodling on the blank slate that is our home. I know I will grow so much more between these walls - and that anticipation is pretty great!

Reflections and Resolutions

The new year has just begun and it's time for the tradition of activating all of the resolutions that were just mere thoughts in our heads from the night before. Now that the first day of the year has almost passed, a thought may have crossed our minds... "just what was I thinking last night?"... and "it won't hurt if I start tomorrow, or next Monday, right?"...

I can identify with these types of thoughts because the idea of change is so daunting. It's so uncomfortable. So unnerving.... At least that's what we may tend to dwell on, right? I mean it's easy to focus on all of the things that are "wrong" in our lives and all of the things we want to CHANGE. We want to be more educated, more talented, more athletic, and less lazy, eat less junk food, and be less messy. Whatever change it is that we have in mind it is DIFFERENT from our norm and that is what makes it so difficult to adjust to.

To reiterate, it seems to be the VOIDS that we tend to focus on when we make these resolutions. We might be comparing our lives to fictional characters, idolized celebrities, or some sort of idealized version of ourselves. The truth of the matter is though that we cannot change without first taking the moment to reflect and realize all of the GOOD that fills our lives. The new year isn't supposed to be about punishing ourselves for not being that concept in our head. The new year should really be just another chance to recharge and take a step beyond those good intentions. Think about the ACTION instead of the pain. Think about what effect your actions can have. 

So I give you permission to rethink your resolutions. Take a good look in the mirror, and maybe grab a pad of paper. I want you to write down 10 things you are grateful for and 10 things that you LIKE about yourself. Once you have done that, then you will be more open-minded to the opportunity for challenge. Yes - I say challenge because we as humans are designed to think in terms of a competition or make things into a game. Once you change your mindset and no longer look at your resolution as a chore or a punishment and look at it as a challenge - that is when you will find success. Success comes because you cannot spell CHALLENGE without CHANGE.

So whether your resolution be to get in better shape, read more books, do more good deeds, or travel the world, find the challenge and excitement that pushes you to seek more. Look at yourself with love and appreciation and you will not be disappointed. Be challenged and be changed and enjoy 2016 to the fullest of your capability.