In my head I'm packing my bags, lining up my passport (a new identity), and my hopes and dreams. I'm waiting in the airport terminal waiting for the plane to whisk me away to a whole new world. I'm flying to Siberia - where no one will know me - where I can start over and just be 'me'. In my daydream, I only look straight ahead - there's nothing holding me back, and I'm not tempted at all to look behind me.
Daydreams are risky like that. They allow you to escape the reality for just a minute and to embrace the next-to-impossible. They allow you to close your eyes and just be completely hidden in your own head where you aren't worried at all about what anyone else thinks.
As I open my eyes, I realize that I shouldn't be hiding myself in a daydream. I shouldn't be scared to take those same kinds of risks in reality. Especially now that I am living out my actual dream. I'm pursuing something that is so much bigger than me. I'm scared, terrified and completely overwhelmed. How can I possibly handle this?
My strengths may not 100% lie in what I'm pursuing right now. I'm not amazing at memorizing. I'm not perfect at understanding the different kind of lipids or enzymes. I lay awake at night calculating pKa's of different compounds as well as ratios of ionized and free form molecules because I'm terrified I'll forget how to figure it out. I'm not getting all A's on every assignment anymore. I *have* to get a C or better though. The pressure never sleeps - and neither do I as of late.
It's tough balancing it all. It's definitely a challenge that is so beyond my scope and strength, but yet I go forward. God wouldn't have given me this path if He knew I couldn't handle it. I am called to do this. And even with all of these challenges I have, I know my life is much less complicated than the lives of many. I am grateful that I have such an amazing journey ahead of me and that I have been given so many chances.
So am I planning to close my eyes, drop it all, and turn away just because it's hard? I can't. I must keep going. I'm taking a way bigger risk staying where I am- finding the *real* me - than flying away to a whole new world where there's no 'real me' at all.
The snow may seem whiter in my daydreams than in reality; however, the real white clarity is found in waking up every day to try harder than the day before, taking deep breaths, closing my eyes, smiling, and seeing the life I'm living right now imprinted in reality and in my dreams. The journey is just beginning, so I better buckle that seat belt and get ready to be immersed in the clouds.
