Removing My Ball and Chain

Sometimes it's time to turn on music and just get lost. I also like to run, and get lost. We all have our ways of getting lost from reality and its grip. Tonight I got lost in a flood of tears while running. It was surprising, unexpected, and slightly embarrassing. The person on the treadmill next to me probably thought I was seriously 'cray', but I don't really care anymore. I'm at the point where I'm ready to remove this ball and chain that I've been carrying around for quite some time. I want to be free.

In life, there are so many things that we carry with us, and we don't even realize it. Things move into our minds and lives like passing clouds. Sometimes they hang around us for days, and other times they just blow right through. It's hard to predict what these clouds will do. Sometimes they rain, sometimes they snow, sometimes they amuse as they assemble themselves into clever shapes in the sky. What we forget to do, though, is to deal with these clouds.

The biggest cloud in my life is fear. I'll say it right out, I'm afraid (actually terrified) of making mistakes. I'm a total perfectionist and control freak. I hate disappointing people, and I despise feeling like I didn't try my best on something. This creates a lot of anxiety for me, and it's affected my life for far too long. I'm ready to be a little unpredictable now. I'm ready to scribble, to live life a little more colorfully, to sing and scream at the top of my lungs, to be messier, to get LOST in awesome opportunities.

I am going to challenge myself to do one small thing each day that will help me let go a little. Whether if it's intentionally NOT putting my clothes away (gasp), doing my hair BEFORE my makeup, or NOT using a fork. Something crazy, seemingly silly, or even stupid, just to keep myself on my toes. I'm far too controlling of myself, and it's time to be set free. I'm not scared anymore. I have great ideas, and heck, it's about time I stopped limiting myself because I was afraid. I'm powerful. I can make a difference. I can be more than my fears. And, no, I can't take credit for coming up with this idea. Stefan Mumaw, writer of "Caffeine for the Creative Mind" actually suggests it. He challenges all creatives to change one thing in their routines each day to keep fresh ideas rolling in, because let's face it, I'm sure we're all slightly creatures of habit, in one way or another. So, make a map of your day. Heck, Instagram each step of your day if you want. Then scramble the photos, and change your routine. It's kind of fun, and extremely invigorating.

This all being said, I challenge you to think of something that terrifies you, or something that may be affecting the way you live your life. Confront it. Head on. Be strong. Let's all scribble, shout, and get sloppy and maybe a little stupid. Life's too short to control everything, or to be afraid, or to be lazy. It's time to remove the ball and chain.

Things I'm grateful for today:

1) My crazy little bunny who thinks it's a good idea to climb on the very tippy top of my love seat. :) (See, even rabbits know that it's good to try new things!)
2) I'm grateful that I'm really beginning to let my guard down. It's really freeing to say what I want and to not be afraid.
3) The opportunity to cleanse, and breathe, and to get lost

Things I'm positive about:

1) Tomorrow's FRIDAY!
2) I'm positive that soon I'm going to have more creative breakthroughs, and they're gonna be SWEET
3) I'm positive that happier times are coming my way. I feel a strong force coming, and it's cool. :)

Three Goals for Myself for Tomorrow:

1) Lighten up. Mistakes happen. So do good things :)
2) List three things that I LOVE about myself.
3) Remember to tell someone that I love them, and thank them

Laws of Attraction

Lately I've been struggling with a slightly magnetic condition. I can't believe I haven't been able to diagnose it until now... It's the law of attraction.

In science, it's been said that opposites attract. In life, I find quite the opposite of this 'opposites rule' to be true. It seems that in life likes attract likes. Let me explain a little...

If we continue to live and breathe negatively, then negativity will keep coming into our lives. If we make an effort to put some positivity back into our thoughts and actions, then we will be blessed with positive results. Now, I'm not saying this is entirely fool-proof, or that it's a new idea; just from casual observation over the years, I really have noticed this to be true. Even in my own life, I can definitely tell you the times where I was the happiest, I was making more of an effort to be positive. In comparison, I can tell you that the times where I have been the unhappiest were the times when I did not make the effort to be positive.

So why on earth would anyone NOT want to make the extra effort to be positive? Well, it's harder than it sounds. This is especially true when your circumstances outweigh your attitude. Like I said, the Law of Attraction is not completely fool-proof, so bad things are going to happen to you no matter how positive you are. Because bad things are in-eminent, it's easy to get burned out. Hence, the 'woe-is-me' syndrome takes over. Once you start to feel sorry for yourself, you're opening the door to negativity.

I have definitely been feeling sorry for myself lately. Either I'm tired of being tired, or I'm sick of being sick, or I'm stressed from being stressed. These negative feelings just feed off of themselves and really begin to break a person down. As a result, I have been feeling more negative lately, and I've been looking for escapes in negative venues (sometimes drowning myself in TV, shutting off my phone, or eating unhealthy things). These things are negative because they don't allow me to feel any better about my situation or myself. Instead of turning to these venues, healthier options would be to go for a run, read a book or do research, talk to a friend, or get crafty. When you open yourself to new ideas, or give yourself a 'blank slate', then you're giving yourself the space for change to happen. If you shut yourself off from the world, and close your mind, then change doesn't have a way to find you. You metaphorically, and sometimes literally, end up drowning in your own negativity. It's kind of amazing once you really think about it.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself for being tired, sick, or the rear-ending my van took yesterday from a 15-year old, I'm going to take these things as bumps in the road, and look for positivity in all of them. As far as being tired, I can say that I've been working hard and I'm proud that I can go to bed every night wiped out from rocking so many things out in one day. For being sick, I can say my immunity will be built up again now, and I probably won't get sick for quite some time now since I'm generally more of a healthy person. As far as the rear-ending, I'm happy I didn't get hurt, and that I didn't cause the accident.

Now, for the things in my life that I want to change. I just need to keep opening myself up, and remembering that when one door closes, there's always a window that'll open. There's always other ways to handle things other than stuffing that piece of chocolate in my mouth, or shutting out my friends and family, or being fed ideas from my TV. I'm ready to get creative. I'm ready to attract change and positivity. Are you?

Things I'm grateful for today:

1) Diet Pepsi
2) Emojis on my iPhone
3) Sunshine (and sunsets) :)

Things I'm positive about today:

1) The new opportunities that I'm opening myself up to
2) The fact that I've completed all the paperwork for my volunteer opportunity at Sanford
3) That I'm beginning to realize the importance of re-prioritizing my life (more on this discussion soon!)

Three obtainable goals for tomorrow:

1) Make plans to meet with friends for some fun
2) Keep building my creative ideas and projects (I have REALLY enjoyed this project so far)
3) Buy a vase of flowers for someone who doesn't expect it- seriously! :)

Unearthing the Lost

Centering myself once again, I'm taking a deep breath and diving back into my daily meditations and list-making. You probably noticed I took a break, as you knew I would! I do have troubles sticking to some commitments! However, this is one commitment I really should not break! Here's why...

I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things that I've buried away and haven't touched. I have holes here and there in my heart, and anxieties in my head. I find it hard to trust at times - even myself! So, instead of facing my internal fears, I keep pushing forward without thinking, and that my friends is where I run into trouble. I've noticed that at all the times my worst decisions have been made, were the times when I wasn't thinking - they were made when I was blindly running full-speed ahead. So it's time I sloooow down, and breathe. Life is too short to keep moving forward without reflecting. Why, if I never reflected, I would never be able to see growth. And so even though I'm kind of a hypocrite, I highly recommend some sort of journaling or daily meditation for anyone -whether you're happy or unhappy. All of life is meant to be enjoyed, and one key part that I've forgotten to enjoy is the part where I sit and think about all of the great things I've been granted. I'm unearthing the lost and the forgotten, and putting some color back in my world!

My lists for today then!

Things I am grateful for:

1) I am grateful that I was able to take a full-hour lunch and leave work on-time today! I love my job, but it is important to 'clock-out' occasionally too!

2) I am grateful that I was able to take a really long time to go for a long run, and lift weights. I feel sooo refreshed and centered now!

3) I am grateful that I was able to enjoy a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath! What a great way to soothe away stress!

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that the rest of this work week will go well! I truly think I add a great amount to our team, and I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful co-workers!

2) I am positive that I am finally recovering from all the sickness that I've endured in the last month! I fought it out, and I'm finally feeling back to 100%!

3) I am positive about the research I've been doing on self-evaluation and self-improvement. I'm learning from some of the best philosophers out there, and they're greatly influencing my personal discoveries. I know my documentations, evaluations and analysis are very small and humble compared to theirs, but alas, I find that simple works for me!

Three Obtainable Goals for tomorrow:

1) Smile more - did you know that when you smile, you are literally forcing yourself to be happier? Even if a smile is 'fake', you'll create endorphins! This is why people who get Botox are generally happier! They cannot make sad/unhappy faces as easily! Crazy! :)

2) Do a nice favor for someone without expecting anything in return :)

3) Take another significant amount of time and allocate it towards exercise and meditation :) 

Finding Peace

Before I begin, I had a few technical difficulties trying to post, but these thoughts are from yesterday and were still written last night before I went to bed.. Enjoy!

Soaking in the quiet darkness once again, I’m enjoying another opportunity to be and reflect upon my day and my feelings. All-in-all, this day was even slightly better than yesterday; again, I had a more positive outlook, and was able to accomplish more today too, if I dare say so! Work was full of projects that kept me hopping all day, and then after I got off, I quickly packed up my things to go back to Madison. Now, I’m sitting in what used to be my old bedroom and feel very much ‘at home’ and ‘at peace’. It is so wonderful to feel my body resting and relaxing; I feel it so much that it’s almost as if my body’s audibly communicating to my brain.

So with another opportunity to rest, I will again make my lists for the day.

Things I am grateful for:

1) The ability to come ‘home’ and feel at home in mind, body and spirit

2) The fact that I still have a sense of humor, even if at times it’s slightly over-the-top! Haha!

3) The chance to completely recalibrate myself before the beginning of a new work week, including nail pampering, long bubble baths, extensive workouts, and total mind de-cluttering

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that I definitely noticed a difference in my outlook today. I was able to keep a smile on my face for most of the day, and I definitely felt lighter overall.

2) I am positive that I am starting to feel a little less responsible about things outside of my control. I’m an ultra control freak, so when things go awry, I tend to go a little crazy, and I’m happy that I’ve been able to keep things in more accurate perspective.

3) I am positive about the fact that I’m allocating energy and time to improve myself internally. It’s so valuable to build oneself from the inside-out.

Three simple goals I hope to accomplish tomorrow:

1) Go on a nice, refreshing run

2) Take plenty of time to pamper myself

3) Take Tyler on a nice dinner out and treat him to whatever he’d like from the menu

Daily Dose

I am sitting in the quiet warmth of my apartment once again lavishing in the luxury of the calm walls and the soft glow of two candles lit nearby. It is peaceful and I feel whole and centered once again. I noticed today was a bit more manageable, and maybe it was my imagination (or just a placebo effect) but I already felt significantly better about myself amongst the flurry of deadlines to meet at work today. I didn't feel anxious for even a minute! I'm already starting to feel my body and spirit shift towards a more positive outlook, like a plant leaf turns to find the sun. So without further ado, I will commence on my lists for today.

Things I am grateful for:

1) The time that I was able to spend with my sister after work tonight. It was so fun to make bagel pizzas, drink some hard lemonade, and just laugh and smile. So often I forget the simple power of a smile :) It's fun, and it's a good look for me.. I should wear one more often :)

2) I am grateful for another opportunity to simple sit and be. I'm really starting to find this to be addicting, and it's only my second day. It's really fun and awesome to be able to reflect and think about what I want to accomplish and how blessed I am :)

3) I'm thankful that I got to spend more time with Duchess, my bunny too. Being with her allows me to stay less stressed as well!

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that I will discover something truly magnificent on this self-discovery journey. I'm not sure what.. And maybe all this 'self talk' might turn a few of you off, but I encourage you all to do the same. There's so much we can discover about ourselves and others if we just stop to listen.

2) I am positive about this weekend. I know if will be very relaxing to spend time away from my worries and go back to being just 'Catheryn'. No title, no rank, other than 'sister', 'daughter', 'granddaughter', and 'loved', which my favorite titles.

3) I am positive about these next few months at work. There are lots of projects on the forefront, and lots of exciting things to plan for and to look forward to. I really do feel like I am getting the hang of things as time goes on. There's a lot to do and SO much to learn. I know I'll keep making mistakes along the way, but how else will I learn?

Three goals for myself for tomorrow:

1) Wake up 30 minutes early again and work out
2) Find another 30 minutes to just 'sit' and 'be'
3) Smile at 5 strangers, strike up a conversation with 1, and give an unsuspected compliment :) 

Nothing Short of ...

Right now I'm enjoying the pleasure of sitting still, in a soft, quiet, semi-dark room, wrapped in a blanket, with my wet hair tied in a towel turban. I have no makeup on, nor worries in the world. I'm sipping on Diet Sierra Mist (still waiting to recover from the bad bout of stomach flu I suffered from on Monday night -yuck!), and thinking about how I really just want to eat my whole jar of Nutella that my half-awake conscience convinced me I needed to buy on my stop to the grocery store after work... dun. Dun. DUNN!

Oh the joys of being home alone just resting. I need more of this. Lately I have just been running. Not my normal definition of running either (my health/fitness goals within the last week have been totally trashed due to my horrendous outbreaks of sickness). Yes, I have been sick for the last 3 weeks. Yes, you read correctly 3 WEEKS. I had a cold, then was better for two days, then my body decided to get ANOTHER cold (which I'm still suffering from), and THEN my body decided to get the stomach flu. Coincidence? I think not. There's far too much stress in my life right now. It may not seem that way.. I usually have a way of coming off rather poised and on-top of things, but I am STRESSED. And tired. And ready for some time to feel truly HAPPY and POSITIVE again.

Okay, so enough of the whining already. I know that the first method to rid oneself of negativity is to no longer have negative thoughts. The more times one repeats negative thoughts the higher the likelihood that one's going to start believing it. It's kind of like that old wive's tale -- 'you are what you eat', which is still fairly true! You are what you say you are, and I'm ready to say that I'm not perfect, but I can be someone who can make a difference. 

I could go on and on about all the ways I want to make a difference. It does no good though if I don't actively pursue a way to get to those goals though, right? It's nothing short of an epiphany. 

So today, I'm challenging myself. I will write. Every day. 3 things I'm thankful for and 3 things I am positive about. I can also include 1-3 reasonable goals for myself. I will post every day, and you can follow along. It'll be a small experiment. I shall measure my happiness 90 days from now, and then we shall have results. 

So, without further ado, here are my lists for today: 

Things I am thankful for today: 

1) The feeling of a fresh-washed face

2) Time to snuggle with my bunny 

3) Forgiving myself for my short comings on this day

Things I am positive about today: 

1) I am positive that my stomach is finally on the mend

2) I am positive about the fact that I am still cavity-free and got a glowing report from the Dentist today

3) I am positive about how blessed I am to have such a loving and fun mother and sisters. I can always depend on them whenever I'm feeling down or lonely 

Goals for tomorrow:

1) Wake up 30 minutes earlier and walk or jog for 30 minutes 

2) Take some time to meditate and pray (again 30 minutes would be great) 

3) Do something nice for someone who doesn't expect it 

What are your goals? How about things your positive about or thankful for? Soon I shall create a pin-spiration board as well. I'll make sure to include a link once it's up and running :) Thanks again for all of your support!