I’m Giving This Up

 

Summer days are supposed to be full of fun and carefree times, right? I mean, yeah it’s technically not quite yet summer, and yeah you’ve got to get up for work pretty much every day, and then on top of work, you cook, clean, shower yourself, wrangle a toddler, run errands, go to church, and try to spend time with family, friends and your spouse. On top of this, maybe you try to do even more like read books for book club (and then your two other side books including at least one self-help/motivational book), train for a half marathon, listen to podcasts, watch reality shows on Netflix, all while obsessively sipping coffee or occasionally indulging in a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in the evening. Wow, my fingers are kind of exhausted just from typing this all out. 

Maybe you’re a cynical person (as I can also tend to be) and you have rolled your eyes a little from reading that section all whilst thinking to yourself: stop complaining and just keep going — it can’t be that bad — we’re all going through the same battle(s) — you’re too privileged to complain like that — you’re bragging about doing all of that. Believe me, I’ve been there and sometimes I’m still there. Judgment is so easy to fall into. 

Here’s the thing though that I’ve really been discovering within the last 6 months in particular: judgment is what is TRULY holding me back. Upon real, true inspection, it’s honestly astonishing how much these voices in my head telling me that I’m too much all while screaming at the same time that I’m not enough have caused me so much confusion, and not to sound too dramatic, but the suffering. I’m stifling my own self for fear of judgment of others all while I never take the time to appreciate or even acknowledge what I’ve accomplished. As a people-pleaser and perfectionist this is the absolute perfect shit storm of shame that is all too easy to get sucked up into. Here’s the thing though: I’m giving myself permission to give this up.

I’m giving myself the permission to let this all go and just do the things. It’s okay if it isn’t perfect or if it doesn’t fit someone else’s narrative of who I should be. I cannot and will not ever be all things to every person, and there’s no way that I can ever possibly make everyone like me. Now that I’ve recognized this truly for really the first time in my life, I’ve found so much more freedom. I will say though, these tendencies and voices are so deeply rooted, it is going to take continued work to hush it all to a level where I can barely hear the whispers. Yes, the judgment may still be there. It’ll always be the fearful siren song that will try to suck me in. 

In the meantime, the other side of this issue is that so many times, I will sacrifice the things that I need to do in order to feel like a complete human (such as exercise, downtime, etc) to try to get more tasks done (such as cleaning, planning, etc). That is another piece of the noise that clouds my brain that I’m absolutely done with. I will always be an angrier person if I do not take the time to do the things that actually do fill my cup a little. There is a reason why on the airplanes they say to put your oxygen mask on before you assist someone else… I literally cannot think or breathe properly if I do not take care of myself. So I’m done giving that part of me up for the sake of being more productive. 

Maybe reading all of this you think, wow this woman is crazy. Maybe I am. Or maybe you’re just a type-B non-perfectionist personality. Again, I can’t let myself get caught up in the fear of what other people think about me. This is just a snapshot of how my brain works. Maybe you read this, and you think, holy moly, this woman just explained everything I’ve ever felt but have never been able to express! Welcome to the type-A, perfectionist, people-pleaser club. However you respond to this blind truth of the core of how I’ve been built as a human can say a lot. Regardless of which way you feel yourself lean, what I do hope can be taken away from this rambling piece work is that judgment is rampant, but despite how plentiful it is, it is not always constructive. I urge you to truly examine how judgment may cause you to limit yourself or try to place limits on others. I also want to tell you to stop giving up your moments of self care for the sake of “productivity” — you will never feel satisfaction from that and you’ll only build resentment towards yourself and others all while causing yourself to distrust your human instincts. 

Build yourself a beautiful life full of truth, vulnerability, authenticity and freedom. So if you needed a voice to say “I give you permission to _________”, I will gladly be that for you. You will never regret doing the things that make you be a better version of your truest self - I sincerely promise.