Project Sparkle

Today marks the FIRST day of a journey I'm taking to better myself, and to tune in more to who I am.

I'm ready to make a BIG CHANGE in my life. For too long now I've been stifling the truth and hiding under this mask of happiness. I'm ready to forget the safety net and to do something worthwhile.

Let me take a couple steps backwards. I have a confession to make. I've been extremely unhappy. I've allowed myself to sink to new levels of low self esteem and self worth. I've made some poor decisions lately, and I've turned to all of the wrong places to reignite the joy I once had at the end of my college career. This last year has been painful - a cold, hard reality check. I lost sight of what I wanted for myself and conformed to what society told me to do. Welp, I'm done with that. It's over. That plastic Catheryn plastered with the fake smile and the fake positive attitude is LONG GONE. Now, she's going to be REAL.

REAL HAPPINESS. REAL SMILES. REAL SUCCESS.

First, it starts with a new attitude. No more "I'm fat" comments, no more "I'm dumb" comments, no more fear, and no more negativity. Negativity is BANISHED from my life and brain.

I need to turn these negatives into positives - instead of feeling like I'm not skinny or pretty enough I WILL learn to appreciate my beauty for what it is. I will build my beauty around my ACTIONS not my image.

Instead of feeling like I'm not smart enough or talented enough, I need to take more risks and find more joy in the simple things. Instead of criticizing myself for enjoying an afternoon of just 'being', I need to see it as an opportunity to better myself.

Instead of constantly being afraid of not having enough money, or not being 'successful' enough, I need to branch out and try more new things. I need to volunteer, give back more, and get more involved.

And most importantly, there will be no more negativity. If something makes me unhappy, I will face it head-on and try to actively better that situation or feeling.

Am I ashamed of writing these goals down so the world can see? NO. I'm proud. I feel vindicated and strong. I don't care who judges me or why they are. This is a journey that will take lots of dedication.

June 1st.

I will not have another single alcoholic drink until this day. Have I been abusing alchol? No, not really, but it clouds my mind and does not allow me to move past my fears. Time to 'put down the drink' and stay away from going out to the bar with friends until I get some thinking done. (Yes, this includes wine... insert whimpers here... hah!)

I will also find other working opportunities. I'm hoping to be SERIOUSLY headed in the right direction by this time. The work environment I'm in now has some major negativity issues for me, and I'm done pretending I'm okay with it. Will any workplace be 'perfect'? No, but let's face it. I deserve to be happy.

I will join POSITIVE groups. Bible studies, community plays, and volunteering? SIGN ME UP. I'm really looking to add more purpose to my life.

Seek spiritual guidance. I will become a part of a group that will spiritually inspire me. God has granted me with so many wonderful gifts. I need to find the right group who will celebrate with me.

Do something crazy. Pierce my belly button or try ice skating? I say YES. I enjoy adventure. I need to feed that craving to live on the edge. Maybe these things aren't that shocking to the average person, but I tend to keep my guard MUCH too high. I'm letting go. :)

~ Like I said, I feel proud, vindicated and STRONG. Life is going to go a better direction for me now. God has a plan for me, and it's time I FOLLOWED it.

After all, a diamond is JUST a piece of CHARCOAL that handled stress exceptionally well. :)