One Way Ticket - Destination: Siberia

In my head I'm packing my bags, lining up my passport (a new identity), and my hopes and dreams. I'm waiting in the airport terminal waiting for the plane to whisk me away to a whole new world. I'm flying to Siberia - where no one will know me - where I can start over and just be 'me'. In my daydream, I only look straight ahead - there's nothing holding me back, and I'm not tempted at all to look behind me.

Daydreams are risky like that. They allow you to escape the reality for just a minute and to embrace the next-to-impossible. They allow you to close your eyes and just be completely hidden in your own head where you aren't worried at all about what anyone else thinks.

As I open my eyes, I realize that I shouldn't be hiding myself in a daydream. I shouldn't be scared to take those same kinds of risks in reality. Especially now that I am living out my actual dream. I'm pursuing something that is so much bigger than me. I'm scared, terrified and completely overwhelmed. How can I possibly handle this?

My strengths may not 100% lie in what I'm pursuing right now. I'm not amazing at memorizing. I'm not perfect at understanding the different kind of lipids or enzymes. I lay awake at night calculating pKa's of different compounds as well as ratios of ionized and free form molecules because I'm terrified I'll forget how to figure it out. I'm not getting all A's on every assignment anymore. I *have* to get a C or better though. The pressure never sleeps - and neither do I as of late.

It's tough balancing it all. It's definitely a challenge that is so beyond my scope and strength, but yet I go forward. God wouldn't have given me this path if He knew I couldn't handle it. I am called to do this. And even with all of these challenges I have, I know my life is much less complicated than the lives of many. I am grateful that I have such an amazing journey ahead of me and that I have been given so many chances.

So am I planning to close my eyes, drop it all, and turn away just because it's hard? I can't. I must keep going. I'm taking a way bigger risk staying where I am- finding the *real* me - than flying away to a whole new world where there's no 'real me' at all.

The snow may seem whiter in my daydreams than in reality; however, the real white clarity is found in waking up every day to try harder than the day before, taking deep breaths, closing my eyes, smiling, and seeing the life I'm living right now imprinted in reality and in my dreams. The journey is just beginning, so I better buckle that seat belt and get ready to be immersed in the clouds. 

Definitions

With the English major I received as my undergraduate, I have a great appreciation for definitions. To this day, any time we sit down to play a game of Scrabble, my mother is whipping out her copy of the American Heritage Dictionary: College Edition just to challenge any questionable words played. (Yes, our games are *that* competitive...). While we play, the definitions of the words are considered thoughtfully in terms of how many points we can earn, and there are small props for creativity and strategy. It's funny to note though how these definitions are simply just words on a page to describe another word.

Just like those challenges my mother makes, the other day, I was caught in a real definitive moment. I was taking part in a casual conversation with someone and joked about my age in reference to the classes I was taking. Well, this person responded in an astonished tone, "What have you done with your life?". Now this person is only a year younger than I am, and is already working in the industry he intended to be in, but I was definitely surprised by his question. For I personally do believe that no one is really ever too old to change their mind and go a different route - especially with education. However, instead of standing up for what I truly believe I have *done* with my life, I immediately responded by listing out all of the things that I had done. I have a degree, I worked at a website development company for a year, etc. etc... And this answer was totally automatic - borderline defensive, because I was secretly a little ashamed of myself. I had been quickly debunked by someone for not being where I want to be.....yet.

Several days later this conversation is still on my mind. What keeps coming into my mind is how it's so amazing and quite frankly tragic that in the blink of an eye we can reduce ourselves to little more than mere words. Not just any words either, words that encompass our successes, our status, and our title... instead of words encircling our beliefs, morals, attitudes, and ethics.

This is the same scenario when we meet anyone new and they might ask us what we do for a living. We might automatically answer, oh I'm a lawyer, or a teacher, or a mother, or a doctor.. And then we'll just leave it at that. Well, I have thought about those answers, and now I can say without a doubt that it is far too unfair to sell ourselves so short.

Why would we limit ourselves to just a word or two when we know what really went into making us who we are. Our communities, our churches, our families and our friends have all shaped us, taught us, prepared us, and from the different upbringings we've had, we all bring something slightly different to the table. How is it then that when we are asked a question we still just answer with an inch, a mile, a pound, a dollar, a title, a word? Where is the meaning in that?

So when someone asks me, "so you want to be a pharmacist?". Yes, I do. With all my heart I do. But, I also want to be a friend, a wife, a leader, a teacher, a resource, a caring person, a positive force, a smiling face, an honest speaker, a thoughtful person, and so, so much more.

I challenge you to think about the definitions in your life. Have you limited yourself? Are you afraid to explore new definitions? Should there really even be any definitions at all?

Scared Straight

I don't know if you've ever experienced jitters the night before a big day at a new job, or butterflies in your stomach right before giving an important speech in public, or even get a little freaked out the idea of introducing yourself to a room full of new people, but if you're like me, you'll know that it's pretty darn scary in any of these scenarios.

This last week I've had troubles closing my eyes and going to sleep mainly because I've begun a whole new journey that will keep me pretty occupied in the next four years. I've *finally* begun pharmacy school!

Last year when I was taking pre-pharmacy classes, it seemed so far away, and I was so scared that I couldn't even make it through that. This summer, even after I had already been accepted into the program, I had to face major challenges. After you are accepted, if you still have classes to complete, you have to get a 'B' or better in any remaining class... Although that may not sound too overly daunting, trying to finish up 12 credits with a B or better, all while being faced with crunched time, hours at work, and just trying to remain a normal human (who occasionally eats and sleeps), it was exhausting. Quite honestly, it scared the crap out of me too, but that is why I'm writing here today..

On our first day of school, during our orientation program, we were encouraged to write a letter to a freshman pre-pharmacy student to give them advice. Although I didn't offer much advice specifically about pharmacy or classwork, I did think of a few things that I always try to carry with me. First and foremost, I suggested to that future student that she should always be grateful for the opportunity that she has in front of her. Any challenge should be seen as an opportunity- and it should be respected. Second, I suggested to that girl that she should really think about the things she wants and life- and to never stop reaching until she could get there - and that's where the fear-factor comes in.

If you want success in your life, no matter who you are or where you are in life, I'd suggest doing something every day that scares you. Now I don't mean putting yourself in great amounts of danger or doing frivolous things without thinking... I'm saying you should take a calculated risk, that may benefit you- even if it scares you. For example, if you are in school, raise your hand to offer an idea in class - even if you might be wrong- you are learning to own your voice. If you're a stay-at-home mom with kids crawling over you and driving you bonkers, take them to a daycare just for a day to relax and just be *you* again - even if it seems scary to drop them off. If you've never gone to the gym, get a punch card that will allow you to try different classes, and try to say hi to one new person each day. Give a stranger a compliment, or start a conversation with someone while you wait in a line. You never know what you may find out about someone- and you never know where that conversation might lead. 

Every day and every situation presents an opportunity. First (and always) be grateful for that exact moment that you are in, and then go ahead and dare to make that unexpected leap. Be scared. You'll end up being surprised at how much you can grow, and you'll end up being even more grateful for all of the wonderful experiences that you've had.

When Did I Let "Less Than" Rule Me?

I still remember the day that I walked up to the platform at Dakota State University to give my salutatorian speech. I just remember that day being so wonderful. It was one of those moments in my life where I had such an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I was so proud of myself, and felt so certain about my future. I thought I had a plan.

Well they always say that God laughs at the plans that man makes for himself. I guess this was pretty much how it went down. Looking back, I don't regret a thing. I'm so glad I had that experience. DSU helped me to unearth the real me. It helped me to discover that I have creative tendencies, and a deep desire to connect with music, art, and the abstract. It taught me to think of bigger things than just myself. It was the springboard that allowed me to jump into so many different areas including a job that taught me that I was meant to be someone more. It taught me to respect myself and to never feel like I should deserve anything less than what I was worth.

Now after two years at Lewis drug as a pharmacy technician, I've prepared myself for the next huge step in my educational journey. I'm moving on to pharmacy school! Yes, I'm sure most of you already knew that, but now it's really here. I've gotten through some real hardships, and I have continued to persevere even when it did seem impossible.

And trust me. There were many times I wanted to give up. I thought I wasn't smart enough. I thought I wouldn't be able to figure it out. I barely knew more than the basics in chemistry. I would beat myself down during these times and tell myself that I was 'less than' the other students pursuing the same journey as me. I'd sit in the car after taking a test and sometimes cry because I felt so nervous that I wouldn't make the cut. I thought that even though I was trying my hardest, I was still somehow unqualified for even trying to make it.

My journey with health and wellness has also gone similarly. It's funny how all areas of your life really are linked together... Anyway, even when I weighed the least, a mere (and somewhat skeletal) 120 pounds at 5'10" I still felt at times that I was 'less than' the other women I'd see. After finally letting myself just be content, I was truly healthy for several years and gained a little weight back to be more stable. Going back to school did put quite a bit of stress on me though, and I've stopped taking the time to properly respect my body with consistent exercise and healthy eating choices. However, now I've come to look at the health process very differently. There is not a magical solution that is going to make you look good- you have to work hard- own your mistakes- and get right back up and keep going. I'm still healthy and content with how I look, but it's a continuing process.

After dealing with these struggles, I really know though, that I am worth more. I should not let the 'less than' fear rule me. For with confidence, and God's grace, I can truly become the strongest person I can be. So, going on from here, I'm ready to really put my fears behind me.

I'm ready to be more than I am today - even if it's just baby steps or one small thing every single day. It will be a process - I just have to learn to trust in the process - to let go, to jump, to be 'more than'.

The Unknown

As we circle in closer to July 15th, I can't help but think of all the amazing things the last year has brought me. I feel like my life took one of those total roller coaster turns, and I am inching ever-so-close to even more excitement.

So what is so special about July 15th? Well, that day was my first day working at Lewis Drug. I still remember ditching my stiffened office clothes for the ever-classic khakis and cobalt polo. I remembered feeling excited to go to work (which is a feeling I had long forgotten) and I yet to this day rarely dread going to work (except for maybe the occasional Senior Day! Ha!). Going to work at Lewis was something so unexpected, even for myself, that I yet to this day scratch my head as I try to remember why I ever thought to apply at Lewis.

You'd think with my experience and education that I would have just gone the normal route of trying to find another company, within the last industry that I worked for, to apply at. But something just tugged at my insides and told me that Lewis was the right choice. Boy, was my gut right.

So here I am, standing on the other side of the year, looking back and realizing just how FAST time went. I think about all of the things that I have learned and all of the wonderful people I have met. It truly is incredible what the right work environment can do for a person. Am I trying to say that Lewis is always perfect? Of course not. But I am saying that it has taught me to never be afraid to learn new things and to step outside of my comfort zone - not only to help a customer - but to better myself.

With that said, I am now taking a very scary and new step to continue my journey of learning. I am applying to SDSU to get into the college of pre-pharmacy, and I will soon hear back to see if my application has been approved. I am nervous about this unknown step, just as I was nervous when I first sent in my application to Lewis and to leave the comfort of my swanky office-job-title to take the Pharmacy Clerk position offered to me. But as I have continued to learn and grow in my role, now as a *certified* Pharmacy Technician, I cannot deny my fascination with learning more about medications and health.

It will be a hard journey. I am not sure if I will even make it. Maybe I will fail. But maybe I will excel. And I have a feeling that with the amount of attention, energy and passion that I have, that I will succeed. Maybe that seems a little premature to say, but I truly do feel in my gut that I will succeed in this next step. I have no idea where it will take me, or how it will impact my life, but I am ready to take that ride. I just pray that I am taking the right path - the one that God has intended for me to take, and that I can carry out His Will as best as I possible can. 

Jitters

Right now I am suffering from a severe case of the jitters. Why? Well, it is the night before my FIRST EVER HALF MARATHON! #Whoa.

Why am I jittery? I am excited, nervous, scared, exhilarated, positive, and yet simply unsettled. 13.1 miles is unknown to me - I've never *really* ran it. I've imagined it a hundred times, and probably another hundred times just within the last few hours. This is it though. This is the day that I have been waiting for. This is my moment to prove to myself that I am ready. I can do this. I am prepared. But am I?

After starting 3 years ago on my health and fitness journey, I have come so far, it's hard to see how I can NOT be ready. I have fought so hard - mostly against myself - to tell myself that I am capable.

Believe me, I never in a hundred million years thought that I, Catheryn, would be a runner. No way, Jose! When I was in middle school, I DREADED the day in which we ran the mile to measure our physical aptitude. I HATED gym class with a passion, and I thought that sports were pointless and downright dumb. People teased me too for being out of shape. They told me that I ran like a T-Rex, and even made up a stupid song about me when I was in the 6th grade, and humiliated me in front of the whole gym class. People would throw dodge balls at my face - on purpose - and had no mercy on me. I was a little pudgy, and definitely nonathletic, but these actions and words still hurt. I never believed I could be as strong and as beautiful as the 'popular girls'. One boy even *had* to tell me that when I was in the eighth grade. Yeah... He literally said I'd never be as pretty as the popular girls in our class....

So did I let these things 'get' to me? Of course! When you're that young and immature, you don't just forgive and forget. You hold onto those things and you let them build up and start to define you. You forget the things that you're *really* made of and you start to believe what everyone else says you are or aren't.

Well, I can tell you now that I am NOT that girl any more. I don't let people mess with me because I am strong and I AM capable. I have learned to go past my fears and push to that point of unknown. Is it safe? Not always. But is it worth it? Absolutely.

 That is why I am running this half marathon. To remind myself once again that *I* am worth fighting for, and *I* am worth believing in. Does this mean I am looking for validation from others? No. It means that I want to see myself cross that finish line and hear *my* name on that loud speaker.

I did not lose almost 40 pounds, and keep it off for almost three years now, out of vanity. I lost those pounds  and have kept them off because I care about myself and my future. I am not afraid anymore to take those steps toward the unknown. I will take every one and enjoy every step in those 13.1 miles tomorrow. And when I achieve what I have never ever achieved before, that's when I know that I am capable of EVEN MORE.

Nothing is my limit now. Let the roads rise up to meet me, the wind always be at my back, the sun shine warm across my face, and may God hold me in the palm of His hand. 

A Little Bit Blustery

As the wind whips around just outside my patio door, I cuddle deep into the blanket on my love seat, and cower a bit from its overwhelming strength. Wind is a powerful element - and the most amazing, and one of the most frightening things, about it is that it's one of nature's only forces that cannot actually be *seen*. Yes, we can see the trees bending and sweeping at the sky, and hear the wind chimes clanging, but we cannot actually see wind - and yet it can be one of the most damaging forces of nature. One thing is for certain though, wind is never silent.

So much of the time, we stifle our real thoughts and our real beliefs just because they are not conventional. We go along with what everyone else is doing just because it is what everyone else is doing. We certainly don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt anyone's feelings either... We also just trudge along living our day-to-day lives never really thinking about how our attitude can affect others. If we are negative, snotty, rude, inconsiderate, impatient, or downright mean, we're only bringing more of those negative things into OUR life.

So today, I am done being silent.

As of today, I am taking a stand to acknowledge out loud once and for all that I believe in God. Most people have probably known that I have believed for years, but there was something about today that really pulled me to stop and really BELIEVE. Did a miracle happen? Maybe not the conventional kind, but certainly a miraculous conversion of my heart. Today I want God to be EVERYWHERE in my life. I want Him to be there when I wake up, when I eat breakfast, while I get ready, while I drive to work, while I am at work, while I am eating lunch, while I am at the gym, and while I do my nightly routine. I want to talk to Him like He's my best friend - simply because I need more best friends. Honestly, He's better than a best friend. He doesn't judge me, and He always listens. He has forgiven some of my biggest mistakes, and taken them far, far away. He has touched my heart today, and He has told me to no longer be afraid and silent. He wants me to find joy in everything again instead of just cruising blindly along. He is my guide, and He is the wind that has stirred my very soul.

Am I still ashamed of my sins? Of course. Am I still scared that I'll never be perfect? Absolutely. But my strength is in the Lord and He will guide me all the rest of my days.

Today, I challenge you to listen to the wind inside your heart. What has it been trying to tell you? Are you happy with your life and the way you choose to live it? Are you dwelling too much in negative thoughts, attitudes and actions? Challenge yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. You may just find that where you feel less comfortable, you feel more true to yourself.