Unearthing the Lost

Centering myself once again, I'm taking a deep breath and diving back into my daily meditations and list-making. You probably noticed I took a break, as you knew I would! I do have troubles sticking to some commitments! However, this is one commitment I really should not break! Here's why...

I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things that I've buried away and haven't touched. I have holes here and there in my heart, and anxieties in my head. I find it hard to trust at times - even myself! So, instead of facing my internal fears, I keep pushing forward without thinking, and that my friends is where I run into trouble. I've noticed that at all the times my worst decisions have been made, were the times when I wasn't thinking - they were made when I was blindly running full-speed ahead. So it's time I sloooow down, and breathe. Life is too short to keep moving forward without reflecting. Why, if I never reflected, I would never be able to see growth. And so even though I'm kind of a hypocrite, I highly recommend some sort of journaling or daily meditation for anyone -whether you're happy or unhappy. All of life is meant to be enjoyed, and one key part that I've forgotten to enjoy is the part where I sit and think about all of the great things I've been granted. I'm unearthing the lost and the forgotten, and putting some color back in my world!

My lists for today then!

Things I am grateful for:

1) I am grateful that I was able to take a full-hour lunch and leave work on-time today! I love my job, but it is important to 'clock-out' occasionally too!

2) I am grateful that I was able to take a really long time to go for a long run, and lift weights. I feel sooo refreshed and centered now!

3) I am grateful that I was able to enjoy a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath! What a great way to soothe away stress!

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that the rest of this work week will go well! I truly think I add a great amount to our team, and I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful co-workers!

2) I am positive that I am finally recovering from all the sickness that I've endured in the last month! I fought it out, and I'm finally feeling back to 100%!

3) I am positive about the research I've been doing on self-evaluation and self-improvement. I'm learning from some of the best philosophers out there, and they're greatly influencing my personal discoveries. I know my documentations, evaluations and analysis are very small and humble compared to theirs, but alas, I find that simple works for me!

Three Obtainable Goals for tomorrow:

1) Smile more - did you know that when you smile, you are literally forcing yourself to be happier? Even if a smile is 'fake', you'll create endorphins! This is why people who get Botox are generally happier! They cannot make sad/unhappy faces as easily! Crazy! :)

2) Do a nice favor for someone without expecting anything in return :)

3) Take another significant amount of time and allocate it towards exercise and meditation :) 

Finding Peace

Before I begin, I had a few technical difficulties trying to post, but these thoughts are from yesterday and were still written last night before I went to bed.. Enjoy!

Soaking in the quiet darkness once again, I’m enjoying another opportunity to be and reflect upon my day and my feelings. All-in-all, this day was even slightly better than yesterday; again, I had a more positive outlook, and was able to accomplish more today too, if I dare say so! Work was full of projects that kept me hopping all day, and then after I got off, I quickly packed up my things to go back to Madison. Now, I’m sitting in what used to be my old bedroom and feel very much ‘at home’ and ‘at peace’. It is so wonderful to feel my body resting and relaxing; I feel it so much that it’s almost as if my body’s audibly communicating to my brain.

So with another opportunity to rest, I will again make my lists for the day.

Things I am grateful for:

1) The ability to come ‘home’ and feel at home in mind, body and spirit

2) The fact that I still have a sense of humor, even if at times it’s slightly over-the-top! Haha!

3) The chance to completely recalibrate myself before the beginning of a new work week, including nail pampering, long bubble baths, extensive workouts, and total mind de-cluttering

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that I definitely noticed a difference in my outlook today. I was able to keep a smile on my face for most of the day, and I definitely felt lighter overall.

2) I am positive that I am starting to feel a little less responsible about things outside of my control. I’m an ultra control freak, so when things go awry, I tend to go a little crazy, and I’m happy that I’ve been able to keep things in more accurate perspective.

3) I am positive about the fact that I’m allocating energy and time to improve myself internally. It’s so valuable to build oneself from the inside-out.

Three simple goals I hope to accomplish tomorrow:

1) Go on a nice, refreshing run

2) Take plenty of time to pamper myself

3) Take Tyler on a nice dinner out and treat him to whatever he’d like from the menu

Daily Dose

I am sitting in the quiet warmth of my apartment once again lavishing in the luxury of the calm walls and the soft glow of two candles lit nearby. It is peaceful and I feel whole and centered once again. I noticed today was a bit more manageable, and maybe it was my imagination (or just a placebo effect) but I already felt significantly better about myself amongst the flurry of deadlines to meet at work today. I didn't feel anxious for even a minute! I'm already starting to feel my body and spirit shift towards a more positive outlook, like a plant leaf turns to find the sun. So without further ado, I will commence on my lists for today.

Things I am grateful for:

1) The time that I was able to spend with my sister after work tonight. It was so fun to make bagel pizzas, drink some hard lemonade, and just laugh and smile. So often I forget the simple power of a smile :) It's fun, and it's a good look for me.. I should wear one more often :)

2) I am grateful for another opportunity to simple sit and be. I'm really starting to find this to be addicting, and it's only my second day. It's really fun and awesome to be able to reflect and think about what I want to accomplish and how blessed I am :)

3) I'm thankful that I got to spend more time with Duchess, my bunny too. Being with her allows me to stay less stressed as well!

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that I will discover something truly magnificent on this self-discovery journey. I'm not sure what.. And maybe all this 'self talk' might turn a few of you off, but I encourage you all to do the same. There's so much we can discover about ourselves and others if we just stop to listen.

2) I am positive about this weekend. I know if will be very relaxing to spend time away from my worries and go back to being just 'Catheryn'. No title, no rank, other than 'sister', 'daughter', 'granddaughter', and 'loved', which my favorite titles.

3) I am positive about these next few months at work. There are lots of projects on the forefront, and lots of exciting things to plan for and to look forward to. I really do feel like I am getting the hang of things as time goes on. There's a lot to do and SO much to learn. I know I'll keep making mistakes along the way, but how else will I learn?

Three goals for myself for tomorrow:

1) Wake up 30 minutes early again and work out
2) Find another 30 minutes to just 'sit' and 'be'
3) Smile at 5 strangers, strike up a conversation with 1, and give an unsuspected compliment :) 

Nothing Short of ...

Right now I'm enjoying the pleasure of sitting still, in a soft, quiet, semi-dark room, wrapped in a blanket, with my wet hair tied in a towel turban. I have no makeup on, nor worries in the world. I'm sipping on Diet Sierra Mist (still waiting to recover from the bad bout of stomach flu I suffered from on Monday night -yuck!), and thinking about how I really just want to eat my whole jar of Nutella that my half-awake conscience convinced me I needed to buy on my stop to the grocery store after work... dun. Dun. DUNN!

Oh the joys of being home alone just resting. I need more of this. Lately I have just been running. Not my normal definition of running either (my health/fitness goals within the last week have been totally trashed due to my horrendous outbreaks of sickness). Yes, I have been sick for the last 3 weeks. Yes, you read correctly 3 WEEKS. I had a cold, then was better for two days, then my body decided to get ANOTHER cold (which I'm still suffering from), and THEN my body decided to get the stomach flu. Coincidence? I think not. There's far too much stress in my life right now. It may not seem that way.. I usually have a way of coming off rather poised and on-top of things, but I am STRESSED. And tired. And ready for some time to feel truly HAPPY and POSITIVE again.

Okay, so enough of the whining already. I know that the first method to rid oneself of negativity is to no longer have negative thoughts. The more times one repeats negative thoughts the higher the likelihood that one's going to start believing it. It's kind of like that old wive's tale -- 'you are what you eat', which is still fairly true! You are what you say you are, and I'm ready to say that I'm not perfect, but I can be someone who can make a difference. 

I could go on and on about all the ways I want to make a difference. It does no good though if I don't actively pursue a way to get to those goals though, right? It's nothing short of an epiphany. 

So today, I'm challenging myself. I will write. Every day. 3 things I'm thankful for and 3 things I am positive about. I can also include 1-3 reasonable goals for myself. I will post every day, and you can follow along. It'll be a small experiment. I shall measure my happiness 90 days from now, and then we shall have results. 

So, without further ado, here are my lists for today: 

Things I am thankful for today: 

1) The feeling of a fresh-washed face

2) Time to snuggle with my bunny 

3) Forgiving myself for my short comings on this day

Things I am positive about today: 

1) I am positive that my stomach is finally on the mend

2) I am positive about the fact that I am still cavity-free and got a glowing report from the Dentist today

3) I am positive about how blessed I am to have such a loving and fun mother and sisters. I can always depend on them whenever I'm feeling down or lonely 

Goals for tomorrow:

1) Wake up 30 minutes earlier and walk or jog for 30 minutes 

2) Take some time to meditate and pray (again 30 minutes would be great) 

3) Do something nice for someone who doesn't expect it 

What are your goals? How about things your positive about or thankful for? Soon I shall create a pin-spiration board as well. I'll make sure to include a link once it's up and running :) Thanks again for all of your support! 

Should Old Acquaintances Be Forgot?

Should old acquaintances be forget? This is the age old question that Robert Burns so poignantly asked in his melodic poem Auld Lang Syne in 1788. Even though he posed this question well over 200 years ago, it's amazing how true this question rings today. Originally sung by the Scots on New Years Eve, we still carry Burn's tune with us as we turn our calendars to reflect that a new year has begun.

Of course, as each new year begins, and as tradition often dictates, we are asked to take an inventory to see how we have changes within the last year - what accomplishments we've made, where we fell short, and where we gained strength. All are important in shaping us, whether failures or achievements, and even though I can honestly say that I made my fair share of mistakes in 2012, I have taken these moments, and re-calibrated my decision-making skills to reflect that I have learned. Of course, with learning from mistakes comes forgiving yourself, which presents to be a challenge for me. However, I can make that my goal for this new year - to forgive myself, to embrace myself, and to explore my limits in positive, healthy ways.

Now, if you read my post from last year, you will remember that I made a list of resolutions for myself, and I'd like to take stock, and see what I truly achieved:

"Top 10 Goals for 2012" 
1) Keep being the best girlfriend that I can possibly be <3

Indeed, I have been working on this, and I know that this is something I will have to continue working for each and every day. Believe it or not, the world is so full of temptations, and I truly do struggle with not giving in to flirtation. I try to wake up each day with dedication, and purpose, because I know that my relationship is worth fighting for. I truly am so very blessed, and I feel lucky and happy everyday because of the joy he has brought me!

2) Become a certified step aerobics instructor

Indeed! I did pass this exam; however, I am still looking for opportunities to teach a class. I am going to rededicate some energy to this and hopefully land an opportunity this next year!

3) Run my first half marathon

Although not 'officially', in terms of a race, I did run a half marathon, and I did make my 1,000 mile goal for the year! I am very proud that I've continued to stay dedicated to my passion for health and fitness. Although I may not work out every single day anymore, I do make an effort to stay very active and eat very cleanly.

4) Finding a full-time job that will satisfy all of my financial needs, (and that will at least be somewhat fun ;) )

YES! I scored big time on this! I am very happy with my job and I learn something new each and every day. Although it is extremely different than being a full-time student, I am happy with what I do, and I'm passionate about the new trends and creative juices I get to discover each day!

5) Become less anxious!!! Write down my feelings ASAP, and get all negativity out of my system!!

Thankfully I have really combated my issues with anxiety, and I'm finally coming to the point of accepting myself, and learning to really like myself. Yes, I still have days where I'll have anxiety attacks, but they are much less prevalent than they used to be! :)

6) Be able to purchase my first Coach purse (yes, I know this sounds silly, but it is something that I really want, and it will be a good motivator for me too!)

Dang it. I missed the mark on this one ;) Unfortunately Coach purses are even more out of my budget now than they were last year at this time! Living on my own has proven to be a big enough responsibility, but hey, a gal can keep dreaming (and drooling) each time she walks past the storefront in the mall, right? ;)

7) Continue blogging, and creating poetic pieces

Sadly, free time is still in short supply, but I did pretty well on posting at least once a month... Okay, I know that's terrible in terms of SEO, and I should be an example for others, since this is kind of my job, but client work comes first! :)

8) Purchase my own car! (Probably a used one, but hopefully one with less miles and better gas mileage than my current soccer mom 'tank' ;) )

I'm still saving! I'm super close though! 2013 it will be! :)

9) Graduate with Magna Cum Laude honors

DONE! :D On top of that, I had the incredible honor of being the class salutatorian, and this is a memory I will carry with me forever!

10) GET MORE SLEEP!

Surprisingly, I did not totally fail on this one! Now that I'm an old woman working 40-50 hours a week, I find 8 hours is generally what I get any more! (I still want more though! haha!)

Well! Now that I've had a chance to take a bit of an inventory, I should now take a moment to list my 10 goals for 2013!

1) Keep accepting myself, loving myself, and forgiving myself. This is of huge importance, for, how can we be the best to others if we do not first learn to love ourselves?
2) Try some new, creative avenues that might scare me, and inspire me. I want to gain as many experiences as I can, and explore my limits. I have several ideas in mind - including volunteering, possibly modeling, and gaining more education.
3) Remember to prioritize. Yes, there may be chores that need to be done, or a workout needed, but I must remember what's truly important - the people I love.
4) Practice patience with myself and others. We all make mistakes, and I must keep forgiving and letting go.
5) Continue to practice healthy habits. :)
6) Not judging others. We are deeper than our covers, and even the words we use. I need to keep remembering to truly listen to others and respect all people, even if I do not necessarily 'like' a particular person.
7) Ceasing complaints. I can be kind of a big baby at times, so I need to focus on positive thoughts and motivating myself to envision the best.
8) Continuing to love others the very best I can. Give without expecting anything in return, and being willing to help someone in need.
9) Continue to strengthen my skills in the professional world, and establishing new skills and relationships that will help me to continue being the best value I can to my company. Whether by being a better co-worker, a better sales person, or a better writer and strategist, I must completely dedicate myself when at work - it is my passion!
10) Keep putting out 100% every single day. There is not a day that isn't worth living. I was given this life and these opportunities for a reason. I must keep focusing on not wasting a single moment!

2013, I am ready for all you have to bring! I wish you all a wonderful New Year as well! What are your resolutions and inventories?

A Winter Fairy Tale

It all began when I closed my eyes and whispered my wish to the snowflakes drifting across the night sky as they softly hit my windshield as I drove to the DSU formal dance of 2010. Just a few weeks previous, tears had streamed down my cheeks as I thought about all of the wishes I had made in my past. I knew there had to be more to my 'provincial' life I had experienced. I was tired of feeling naive and that I was reliving the same day over and over again. Little did I know that I would soon encounter the best, most thrilling adventure yet - Love. And yes, Love is more thrilling than any book I've read, or tale I had heard.

That, my friends, is where Belle and I have a lot in common. We're both a little odd, both book worms, adventure-lovers, and dwell in our futures (and in our imaginations!). I've encountered my fair share of beasts too, and no.. they did not turn into handsome princes. I know some fools, some boasters, and my parents have their strangeness too (sorry mom and dad). I sometimes don't fit in with my peers, and I sometimes feel like an outsider. But, these things have never entirely stopped me from believing.

My belief is what has brought me here today. For two years ago, I met the most amazing handsome prince you could ever imagine! (You can read more of that tale here). And recently, he took me on a romantic adventure to a land far, far away (also known as Omaha, Nebraska.. and no, it isn't really *that* far away! haha).

My entire life I have loved going to the theatre. My grandparents always took me to shows growing up, and would buy me a front row seat to see Grease, The Sound of Music, Suessical the Musical, Lost in Younkers, Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat, Charlie Brown, and many, many more. I loved the excitement and the energy behind those actors and actresses, and often wondered what it would be like to experience that transformation of the stage. Sitting in that audience though, dressed in my best, and spending that time completing immersing myself into those stories was truly magical, and I often miss, to this very day, those times.

Since I have such a love for story, and theatre, this year I wished to be taken to a show. Not just any show, but the show - Beauty and the Beast. I had never seen it performed live, and since it is my favorite fairy tale, I knew I had to see it! Being as blessed as I am, my very generous handsome prince was happy to oblige, and so we made our journey to Omaha.

Once in Omaha, we experienced the ever-confusing roads, the Von Maur Mall (gorgeous shopping centre, by the way), and the Cheesecake Factory (yum!). It was a world class experience to say the least! The best was yet to come, though!

We drove across Omaha to get downtown (again fighting the very confusing roads), and admired their vast array of skyscrapers and swanky cafes. The whole entirety was gorgeously lit, and took us back to the yesteryears as my heels clicked on the brick roadways.

As we approached the Orpheum, I knew I was about to experience something unbelievable, and it was. Magic was in every crevice - through the winding staircases, the stunning chandeliers, the beautiful statues, and the lovely artwork - everything was perfectly fit in its place.

We ascended into the heavens of the balcony, and sat on the classic red velvet seats, and anticipated the grand opening. A holograph of a single rose finally graced the stage as the story unfolded.

The singing, the choreography, the costumes, and the emotions were all perfectly on cue. I didn't miss a beat I was so entranced by the lovely stage and its story.

Days after this experience, I still pinch myself. Did this all happen? Yes! Dreams and magic can really exist and take place in this world. Even after all the disasters we've encountered, and the sadness we have witnessed. I am lucky to say that I still believe, and I hope that you do too.

x

Pieces

My life has been a series of pieces, a puzzle of memories intricately bound together. Each piece is significant, but sometimes cannot be understood when viewed alone. As my life rolls forward, the more pieces begin to connect, and the more I begin to understand. Although, even then, I find that pieces that seemed to make sense together really were not meant to connect, and I also find surprising combinations that I never would have expected. My puzzle is far from complete. I know that each day, each moment, I am gaining more and more pieces of experiences, memories, ideas, and feelings. These small fragments of life are what build me, though.

I know we've all had pieces added to our puzzles that are painful, or ones that we regret. Other pieces are beautiful and fall close to our hearts, and we hope to never forget those moments. What one must remember though is that all pieces are important. They are all shaping us, building us, and preparing us for the pieces to come.

I know, in my own puzzle-building experiences, that I've had several pieces that I hated to add at the time. I've been frustrated with some of the mistakes that I've made, and have been unhappy with some of the bad things that have happened, the bad experiences, and the discouraging times in my life when I felt like there would never be an upward turn. For some of these pieces, it's been several years since they've been added, and others, just a couple of months. However, I've recently discovered, that even these pieces are ones that I need to remember. Ones that seemed so bad or sad at the time, are no longer as painful as they used to be. Now, they are just a part of my life's picture. Just like any callus, bruise, or scar, they tell a story of something painful from the past; however, that pain teaches us, and can bring us pride, because we know that we can survive it.

This is the beauty of life's puzzle - the fact that the picture is slowly revealed, more and more, as we keep gaining pieces, and gaining perspective. I know someday, down the road, years from now, that the puzzle picture I see in front of me will most likely be much different than the one I see now. More of my pieces will have come together, and new connections will have been made. I am excited for the pieces that are yet to come, both the good and the bad. They are all equally important in shaping me, and my picture. I'm proud of the picture that I see now. No, not everything has been perfect, but it has been perfectly created for me to teach me what way to go in life. Knowing that this puzzle has been perfectly created for me is comforting, and I will continue to cherish it, even the seemingly insignificant, the terribly sad or maddening, and even the small, and happy. Each piece is so important, and I'm happy to have experienced it all. I hope that you too have enjoyed your puzzle-building, and will experience the joys that I have, and the comfort I have in knowing that each piece is truly unique, and truly perfectly fitted to your life. Experiencing that comfort is 'pieceful' enough. So keep collecting and connecting, and see the masterpiece that you can build! The possibilities are endless.