Breath of Anticipation

We're all familiar with this moment... The lights are dim, the warm faces of your friends and family encircling you with their eyes bright and their faces illuminated by the soft glow of neon candles melting into the silky, sugary palette of frosting decking the sweet, spongy birthday cake about to be consumed. They're all waiting. The cheerful tune of 'happy birthday' has just been sung, and spirits are high. Anticipation is higher. Thinking with your eyes pinched tightly, and holding in all your hopes in dreams, you inhale and then your eyes burst open along with a forceful exhale to extinguish the candles, and release your dreams into the world, and the year ahead of you.

There's nothing quite like a birthday for a time to examine yourself and think good and hard about what you've accomplished, and what you hope to accomplish within the next year. You also know that it's a time where you get to make a wish, and not just any wish, but a wish that will be added to your life's story. Maybe the wish does not always come true, but it is always answered - perhaps unexpectedly, or in a way that you would not prefer, but it is still an answer.

These moments surround us.. these breaths of anticipation. And they don't necessarily come often, but they're important. They allow us the opportunity to completely give in to our deepest desires, and to put it out to the world without any shame - even if it is in the form of a secret, or a wish. The smoke carries our unsaid words and scatters the hopes into ever nook in our homes, and then disperses into the atmosphere. It's like magic. It's exciting, thrilling, and just plain fun. That's why birthdays, new years, and anniversaries are so meaningful. They're a milestone for us to stop and think and plan for what may lie ahead, while appreciating what we have experienced in the past. They're a moment to be grateful, optimistic, and determined. And although these moments only last a moment, they are the breaths of anticipation. As long as we exhale our hopes and dreams when given these fleeting opportunities, then we can be a part of what has been and what is to come. Come what may, and love it. Life is constantly poetic, and let us never forget it :)

Things I am grateful for today:

1) A wonderful birthday which I was able to celebrate with my loving family and friends. I am so incredibly blessed to have so many people wishing well things for me.

2) The opportunity to meditate, and anticipate what I want to accomplish in the year ahead of me. I know 23 will bring many big changes my way. I will go places, and do so many new things. I have potential, and I'm ready to see it blossom :)

3) My sister and Tyler. My two soul mates. Both know every single thing about me, and love me despite or in spite of those things :)

Things I am positive about:

1) Changes that are to come my way. Honestly, I feel like one of those old people that gets the feeling in their bones before the weather changes. Something wonderful and amazing is about to happen. I know it. I FEEL it :)

2) Love. I have so many loving people, and I am learning to love more too. I'm really beginning to learn to love myself, embrace myself, and live out loud.

3) Charity. I'm about to be given a great opportunity to share my time and talents with those in-need, and there is nothing more rewarding than being the help that someone needs so much.

Three goals for tomorrow:

1) Stay positive, and immerse myself completely into what I do. Live, breathe, and be social.

2) Call and talk to a friend I haven't talked to in awhile :)

3) Take care of some of the cobwebs and clutter that has collected in my brain, and cross some things off on my mental checklists

When the Stars Go Blue

Have you ever heard this song by Tim McGraw or Ryan Adams? It's a beautiful song, really. Whenever I hear it, it takes me to deep place. Normally I'm pretty light, and whimsical, but I have to wonder how many times I've been the woman in this song... 

How many times have I danced like a marionette in her wooden shoes? How many times have I forgotten what truly makes *me* happy, and just gone with what the strings attached to me told me to do? It's easy to do, because that's what feels... safe. 

I know this song also seems to be a man singing how he will care for this girl no matter how much she's compromised herself. I have to wonder, is that 'man' God? Perhaps it could be... and perhaps we should consider it.

I know that spirituality is something I've been struggling with a lot lately. I find it hard to trust sometimes, and to give my life over to someone who isn't 'me'. I've had disappointments in my life, like many of you have, so of course, after you've been burned a few times, it's easy to get discouraged and lose faith. I'm also extremely self-reliant, so it's difficult for me to give up the very little control I do feel I have in my life, but it's so important! Once we give up our 'strings of life' and let God follow us and guide, even when we cannot see Him or understand Him, that's when we can find ultimate happiness.

Now, I'm not trying to claim that I do any of these things full-time. I'm fully aware that it's a commitment that has to be made every day, and I know I've had a lot of star-less days and nights lately, where I really don't feel like there's anything out there, but I know deep down that my feelings aren't true. Yes, I have felt discouraged lately, and a little lost, but I've also felt extremely creative in my professional life, and am starting to gain more confidence in myself. This journey to finding self-acceptance will also have to be a journey to accept God. God created me and knows everything about me, so maybe I should start asking Him a bit more often than I have. I think I should make it a full-time commitment. Maybe I'll find some more answers? Maybe I'll make some new discoveries? Maybe another purpose for my life will be revealed? I'm not really sure, but I'm not going to wait anymore. It's time to let go and let God.

Things I'm grateful for today:

1) The patience, dedication and enthusiasm of my co-workers
2) Running :)
3) Warmer temperatures

Things I'm positive about today:

1) I'm positive that I will awaken my spiritual connections, and learn to love and trust in God more
2) I'm positive about the progress I've been making with my clients at work, as well as the flood of creative ideas I've had lately
3) I'm positive about the level of focus I've had lately. Normally I'm more likely to space out and day-dream, but I've been very disciplined and focused lately, and have been more productive as a result.

Three Goals for Tomorrow:
1) Take 30 minutes to pray and meditate
2) Go to bed earlier.. ;)
3) Staying positive about all of my daily tasks and duties :)

A Little Bit Daring

Every now and then, we are propelled into taking a step outside of our comfort zones. Sometimes it's because we are asked, and other times it is because we take it upon ourselves. Of course, taking that first step (or sometimes leap) of faith is not easy. It can prove to be very difficult and you may even dread it - I know I do from time to time. What we must remember though, is what we may feel like after we take a leap or step of faith, though.

Life is never predictable, and there will be things that will be thrown our ways that will be some of the trickiest, the happiest, or the saddest times of our lives. It's how we react to these situations that shapes us too. Learning to act and react with poise is key - keeping a cool head will help you maintain the proportion of the situation, and not let it get the best of you.

Being a creative, I am asked every day to take a step outside of my comfort zone. Yes, it's frightening, but it's also highly exhilarating! I have the opportunity to do something new every day, and I have been graced with the opportunity to create new ideas every day. It's a real blessing, and a real responsibility!

I am also asking myself again to take a few steps outside of my comfort zone and become even more of an open person. I know I can be quite shy sometimes, so I've been making an effort to increase my social strategies as well! Whether I'm just visiting a bit more in depth with a cashier at Wal-Mart or communicating the status of a project at work, I'm trying to implement a more conversational approach. As a very self-driven person, conversing with others sometimes doesn't get first priority, but I'm going to branch out a bit, and try it. I can still be professional and serious while incorporating a bit more fun. :)

Things I am grateful for:

1) Today's weather... it was GORGEOUS! I'll be running outside again before you know it! :)
2) A GREAT weekend of fun and relaxation, and of course spending time with Tyler! <3
3) That I'm feeling 100% healthy finally!!

Things I am positive about:

1) I'm positive that my creativity has been coming in leaps and bounds lately! It's almost like I can't contain all the ideas and brainstorms I have! It's thrilling!
2) All the wonderful memories that I've been trying to call back lately. It's crazy to think that I graduated almost a year ago already, and that I haven't worked at Pamida in almost a year! I am positive about my progress, and I'm positive about all that is to come!
3) I am positive about finding more time to do some simple things like reading, watching the latest episode of Downton Abbey, or meditating.

Three Goals for tomorrow:

1) Keep plugging away at putting ideas together, and keep giving 110% to all I do while having FUN
2) Remember to do my laundry and take out my garbage (I've been neglecting both of these things for days now! haha)
3) Start putting ideas together for the chair I'm going to create for the South Dakota Ad Federation Chair-ity fundraiser :) 

Removing My Ball and Chain

Sometimes it's time to turn on music and just get lost. I also like to run, and get lost. We all have our ways of getting lost from reality and its grip. Tonight I got lost in a flood of tears while running. It was surprising, unexpected, and slightly embarrassing. The person on the treadmill next to me probably thought I was seriously 'cray', but I don't really care anymore. I'm at the point where I'm ready to remove this ball and chain that I've been carrying around for quite some time. I want to be free.

In life, there are so many things that we carry with us, and we don't even realize it. Things move into our minds and lives like passing clouds. Sometimes they hang around us for days, and other times they just blow right through. It's hard to predict what these clouds will do. Sometimes they rain, sometimes they snow, sometimes they amuse as they assemble themselves into clever shapes in the sky. What we forget to do, though, is to deal with these clouds.

The biggest cloud in my life is fear. I'll say it right out, I'm afraid (actually terrified) of making mistakes. I'm a total perfectionist and control freak. I hate disappointing people, and I despise feeling like I didn't try my best on something. This creates a lot of anxiety for me, and it's affected my life for far too long. I'm ready to be a little unpredictable now. I'm ready to scribble, to live life a little more colorfully, to sing and scream at the top of my lungs, to be messier, to get LOST in awesome opportunities.

I am going to challenge myself to do one small thing each day that will help me let go a little. Whether if it's intentionally NOT putting my clothes away (gasp), doing my hair BEFORE my makeup, or NOT using a fork. Something crazy, seemingly silly, or even stupid, just to keep myself on my toes. I'm far too controlling of myself, and it's time to be set free. I'm not scared anymore. I have great ideas, and heck, it's about time I stopped limiting myself because I was afraid. I'm powerful. I can make a difference. I can be more than my fears. And, no, I can't take credit for coming up with this idea. Stefan Mumaw, writer of "Caffeine for the Creative Mind" actually suggests it. He challenges all creatives to change one thing in their routines each day to keep fresh ideas rolling in, because let's face it, I'm sure we're all slightly creatures of habit, in one way or another. So, make a map of your day. Heck, Instagram each step of your day if you want. Then scramble the photos, and change your routine. It's kind of fun, and extremely invigorating.

This all being said, I challenge you to think of something that terrifies you, or something that may be affecting the way you live your life. Confront it. Head on. Be strong. Let's all scribble, shout, and get sloppy and maybe a little stupid. Life's too short to control everything, or to be afraid, or to be lazy. It's time to remove the ball and chain.

Things I'm grateful for today:

1) My crazy little bunny who thinks it's a good idea to climb on the very tippy top of my love seat. :) (See, even rabbits know that it's good to try new things!)
2) I'm grateful that I'm really beginning to let my guard down. It's really freeing to say what I want and to not be afraid.
3) The opportunity to cleanse, and breathe, and to get lost

Things I'm positive about:

1) Tomorrow's FRIDAY!
2) I'm positive that soon I'm going to have more creative breakthroughs, and they're gonna be SWEET
3) I'm positive that happier times are coming my way. I feel a strong force coming, and it's cool. :)

Three Goals for Myself for Tomorrow:

1) Lighten up. Mistakes happen. So do good things :)
2) List three things that I LOVE about myself.
3) Remember to tell someone that I love them, and thank them

Laws of Attraction

Lately I've been struggling with a slightly magnetic condition. I can't believe I haven't been able to diagnose it until now... It's the law of attraction.

In science, it's been said that opposites attract. In life, I find quite the opposite of this 'opposites rule' to be true. It seems that in life likes attract likes. Let me explain a little...

If we continue to live and breathe negatively, then negativity will keep coming into our lives. If we make an effort to put some positivity back into our thoughts and actions, then we will be blessed with positive results. Now, I'm not saying this is entirely fool-proof, or that it's a new idea; just from casual observation over the years, I really have noticed this to be true. Even in my own life, I can definitely tell you the times where I was the happiest, I was making more of an effort to be positive. In comparison, I can tell you that the times where I have been the unhappiest were the times when I did not make the effort to be positive.

So why on earth would anyone NOT want to make the extra effort to be positive? Well, it's harder than it sounds. This is especially true when your circumstances outweigh your attitude. Like I said, the Law of Attraction is not completely fool-proof, so bad things are going to happen to you no matter how positive you are. Because bad things are in-eminent, it's easy to get burned out. Hence, the 'woe-is-me' syndrome takes over. Once you start to feel sorry for yourself, you're opening the door to negativity.

I have definitely been feeling sorry for myself lately. Either I'm tired of being tired, or I'm sick of being sick, or I'm stressed from being stressed. These negative feelings just feed off of themselves and really begin to break a person down. As a result, I have been feeling more negative lately, and I've been looking for escapes in negative venues (sometimes drowning myself in TV, shutting off my phone, or eating unhealthy things). These things are negative because they don't allow me to feel any better about my situation or myself. Instead of turning to these venues, healthier options would be to go for a run, read a book or do research, talk to a friend, or get crafty. When you open yourself to new ideas, or give yourself a 'blank slate', then you're giving yourself the space for change to happen. If you shut yourself off from the world, and close your mind, then change doesn't have a way to find you. You metaphorically, and sometimes literally, end up drowning in your own negativity. It's kind of amazing once you really think about it.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself for being tired, sick, or the rear-ending my van took yesterday from a 15-year old, I'm going to take these things as bumps in the road, and look for positivity in all of them. As far as being tired, I can say that I've been working hard and I'm proud that I can go to bed every night wiped out from rocking so many things out in one day. For being sick, I can say my immunity will be built up again now, and I probably won't get sick for quite some time now since I'm generally more of a healthy person. As far as the rear-ending, I'm happy I didn't get hurt, and that I didn't cause the accident.

Now, for the things in my life that I want to change. I just need to keep opening myself up, and remembering that when one door closes, there's always a window that'll open. There's always other ways to handle things other than stuffing that piece of chocolate in my mouth, or shutting out my friends and family, or being fed ideas from my TV. I'm ready to get creative. I'm ready to attract change and positivity. Are you?

Things I'm grateful for today:

1) Diet Pepsi
2) Emojis on my iPhone
3) Sunshine (and sunsets) :)

Things I'm positive about today:

1) The new opportunities that I'm opening myself up to
2) The fact that I've completed all the paperwork for my volunteer opportunity at Sanford
3) That I'm beginning to realize the importance of re-prioritizing my life (more on this discussion soon!)

Three obtainable goals for tomorrow:

1) Make plans to meet with friends for some fun
2) Keep building my creative ideas and projects (I have REALLY enjoyed this project so far)
3) Buy a vase of flowers for someone who doesn't expect it- seriously! :)

Unearthing the Lost

Centering myself once again, I'm taking a deep breath and diving back into my daily meditations and list-making. You probably noticed I took a break, as you knew I would! I do have troubles sticking to some commitments! However, this is one commitment I really should not break! Here's why...

I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things that I've buried away and haven't touched. I have holes here and there in my heart, and anxieties in my head. I find it hard to trust at times - even myself! So, instead of facing my internal fears, I keep pushing forward without thinking, and that my friends is where I run into trouble. I've noticed that at all the times my worst decisions have been made, were the times when I wasn't thinking - they were made when I was blindly running full-speed ahead. So it's time I sloooow down, and breathe. Life is too short to keep moving forward without reflecting. Why, if I never reflected, I would never be able to see growth. And so even though I'm kind of a hypocrite, I highly recommend some sort of journaling or daily meditation for anyone -whether you're happy or unhappy. All of life is meant to be enjoyed, and one key part that I've forgotten to enjoy is the part where I sit and think about all of the great things I've been granted. I'm unearthing the lost and the forgotten, and putting some color back in my world!

My lists for today then!

Things I am grateful for:

1) I am grateful that I was able to take a full-hour lunch and leave work on-time today! I love my job, but it is important to 'clock-out' occasionally too!

2) I am grateful that I was able to take a really long time to go for a long run, and lift weights. I feel sooo refreshed and centered now!

3) I am grateful that I was able to enjoy a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath! What a great way to soothe away stress!

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that the rest of this work week will go well! I truly think I add a great amount to our team, and I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful co-workers!

2) I am positive that I am finally recovering from all the sickness that I've endured in the last month! I fought it out, and I'm finally feeling back to 100%!

3) I am positive about the research I've been doing on self-evaluation and self-improvement. I'm learning from some of the best philosophers out there, and they're greatly influencing my personal discoveries. I know my documentations, evaluations and analysis are very small and humble compared to theirs, but alas, I find that simple works for me!

Three Obtainable Goals for tomorrow:

1) Smile more - did you know that when you smile, you are literally forcing yourself to be happier? Even if a smile is 'fake', you'll create endorphins! This is why people who get Botox are generally happier! They cannot make sad/unhappy faces as easily! Crazy! :)

2) Do a nice favor for someone without expecting anything in return :)

3) Take another significant amount of time and allocate it towards exercise and meditation :) 

Finding Peace

Before I begin, I had a few technical difficulties trying to post, but these thoughts are from yesterday and were still written last night before I went to bed.. Enjoy!

Soaking in the quiet darkness once again, I’m enjoying another opportunity to be and reflect upon my day and my feelings. All-in-all, this day was even slightly better than yesterday; again, I had a more positive outlook, and was able to accomplish more today too, if I dare say so! Work was full of projects that kept me hopping all day, and then after I got off, I quickly packed up my things to go back to Madison. Now, I’m sitting in what used to be my old bedroom and feel very much ‘at home’ and ‘at peace’. It is so wonderful to feel my body resting and relaxing; I feel it so much that it’s almost as if my body’s audibly communicating to my brain.

So with another opportunity to rest, I will again make my lists for the day.

Things I am grateful for:

1) The ability to come ‘home’ and feel at home in mind, body and spirit

2) The fact that I still have a sense of humor, even if at times it’s slightly over-the-top! Haha!

3) The chance to completely recalibrate myself before the beginning of a new work week, including nail pampering, long bubble baths, extensive workouts, and total mind de-cluttering

Things I am positive about:

1) I am positive that I definitely noticed a difference in my outlook today. I was able to keep a smile on my face for most of the day, and I definitely felt lighter overall.

2) I am positive that I am starting to feel a little less responsible about things outside of my control. I’m an ultra control freak, so when things go awry, I tend to go a little crazy, and I’m happy that I’ve been able to keep things in more accurate perspective.

3) I am positive about the fact that I’m allocating energy and time to improve myself internally. It’s so valuable to build oneself from the inside-out.

Three simple goals I hope to accomplish tomorrow:

1) Go on a nice, refreshing run

2) Take plenty of time to pamper myself

3) Take Tyler on a nice dinner out and treat him to whatever he’d like from the menu