Jitters

Right now I am suffering from a severe case of the jitters. Why? Well, it is the night before my FIRST EVER HALF MARATHON! #Whoa.

Why am I jittery? I am excited, nervous, scared, exhilarated, positive, and yet simply unsettled. 13.1 miles is unknown to me - I've never *really* ran it. I've imagined it a hundred times, and probably another hundred times just within the last few hours. This is it though. This is the day that I have been waiting for. This is my moment to prove to myself that I am ready. I can do this. I am prepared. But am I?

After starting 3 years ago on my health and fitness journey, I have come so far, it's hard to see how I can NOT be ready. I have fought so hard - mostly against myself - to tell myself that I am capable.

Believe me, I never in a hundred million years thought that I, Catheryn, would be a runner. No way, Jose! When I was in middle school, I DREADED the day in which we ran the mile to measure our physical aptitude. I HATED gym class with a passion, and I thought that sports were pointless and downright dumb. People teased me too for being out of shape. They told me that I ran like a T-Rex, and even made up a stupid song about me when I was in the 6th grade, and humiliated me in front of the whole gym class. People would throw dodge balls at my face - on purpose - and had no mercy on me. I was a little pudgy, and definitely nonathletic, but these actions and words still hurt. I never believed I could be as strong and as beautiful as the 'popular girls'. One boy even *had* to tell me that when I was in the eighth grade. Yeah... He literally said I'd never be as pretty as the popular girls in our class....

So did I let these things 'get' to me? Of course! When you're that young and immature, you don't just forgive and forget. You hold onto those things and you let them build up and start to define you. You forget the things that you're *really* made of and you start to believe what everyone else says you are or aren't.

Well, I can tell you now that I am NOT that girl any more. I don't let people mess with me because I am strong and I AM capable. I have learned to go past my fears and push to that point of unknown. Is it safe? Not always. But is it worth it? Absolutely.

 That is why I am running this half marathon. To remind myself once again that *I* am worth fighting for, and *I* am worth believing in. Does this mean I am looking for validation from others? No. It means that I want to see myself cross that finish line and hear *my* name on that loud speaker.

I did not lose almost 40 pounds, and keep it off for almost three years now, out of vanity. I lost those pounds  and have kept them off because I care about myself and my future. I am not afraid anymore to take those steps toward the unknown. I will take every one and enjoy every step in those 13.1 miles tomorrow. And when I achieve what I have never ever achieved before, that's when I know that I am capable of EVEN MORE.

Nothing is my limit now. Let the roads rise up to meet me, the wind always be at my back, the sun shine warm across my face, and may God hold me in the palm of His hand. 

A Little Bit Blustery

As the wind whips around just outside my patio door, I cuddle deep into the blanket on my love seat, and cower a bit from its overwhelming strength. Wind is a powerful element - and the most amazing, and one of the most frightening things, about it is that it's one of nature's only forces that cannot actually be *seen*. Yes, we can see the trees bending and sweeping at the sky, and hear the wind chimes clanging, but we cannot actually see wind - and yet it can be one of the most damaging forces of nature. One thing is for certain though, wind is never silent.

So much of the time, we stifle our real thoughts and our real beliefs just because they are not conventional. We go along with what everyone else is doing just because it is what everyone else is doing. We certainly don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt anyone's feelings either... We also just trudge along living our day-to-day lives never really thinking about how our attitude can affect others. If we are negative, snotty, rude, inconsiderate, impatient, or downright mean, we're only bringing more of those negative things into OUR life.

So today, I am done being silent.

As of today, I am taking a stand to acknowledge out loud once and for all that I believe in God. Most people have probably known that I have believed for years, but there was something about today that really pulled me to stop and really BELIEVE. Did a miracle happen? Maybe not the conventional kind, but certainly a miraculous conversion of my heart. Today I want God to be EVERYWHERE in my life. I want Him to be there when I wake up, when I eat breakfast, while I get ready, while I drive to work, while I am at work, while I am eating lunch, while I am at the gym, and while I do my nightly routine. I want to talk to Him like He's my best friend - simply because I need more best friends. Honestly, He's better than a best friend. He doesn't judge me, and He always listens. He has forgiven some of my biggest mistakes, and taken them far, far away. He has touched my heart today, and He has told me to no longer be afraid and silent. He wants me to find joy in everything again instead of just cruising blindly along. He is my guide, and He is the wind that has stirred my very soul.

Am I still ashamed of my sins? Of course. Am I still scared that I'll never be perfect? Absolutely. But my strength is in the Lord and He will guide me all the rest of my days.

Today, I challenge you to listen to the wind inside your heart. What has it been trying to tell you? Are you happy with your life and the way you choose to live it? Are you dwelling too much in negative thoughts, attitudes and actions? Challenge yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. You may just find that where you feel less comfortable, you feel more true to yourself. 

Don't Catch a Case of Zilla!

Ever think to yourself that something in your life has to follow a certain path in order to be accepted?

As a bride-to-be, I am quickly seeing that there are many things that people will try to influence and pressure about when it comes to following 'etiquette' or 'tradition'. While I am a rather classic gal myself, I cannot always say that I appreciate so much 'persuasion'. In fact, there are some traditions that I'd like to follow my own personality on.

Anymore it seems like a wedding is a big palooza parade with lots of hassles and headaches - for everyone around. No wonder they have even created the show 'Bridezillas'. I can easily see how I could mutate and become one. Hah! The truth is, I think that 'zilla' (see definition at end of post) is not only caught by the bride. Sometimes it's the overenthusiastic aunt, or the boisterous bridesmaid who's just trying to be a good friend. Whoever it may be, it's key to not get upset about the 'suggestions'; instead, smile, listen, and acknowledge their ideas; then move forward with what your heart feels is right for you. In the end, it is your special day to celebrate.

This 'zilla' effect is not just limited to weddings or brides... Zillas are everywhere these days. Community groups, schools, work, the gym, or even the cashier at the grocery store. It seems that everywhere we go we are constantly getting stopped and questioned about our choices - which seemed so simple to us... Unfortunately, it's quite easy to feel the burning pressure from these questioning folks, and secede are seemingly innocent attempt to do what we have always deemed okay and change to the mainstream. We might even feel embarrassed or flabbergasted and tongue-tied and quickly shuffle along to not cause any further 'disturbances'.

But next time, before you shuffle away without saying what your intentions were, I want you to think of the countryside. Close your eyes and envision the pure, fresh, serene and uncharted tall grasses. Then think about lacing up your hiking shoes to take on the terrain. Challenge yourself to take that one step further from civilization and mainstream, and one step closer to self-awareness and natural peace. Pretty soon, your sense of clarity will be restored, and you'll realize, that there is nothing wrong with your choice, and that you deserve to do the things that make your heart truly happy.

So, just like a country road, our paths in life may not be preconceived with pavement, painted lines, and highway signs. Instead, we may forge our way through the untrekked plains. We may wander, and get distracted, but we will make discoveries.

And for all the big things that come your way, whether it be your choice of school, profession, what groceries you're buying or what exercises you're trying at the gym - as long as you are focusing on what makes your heart truly happy, then you will find that every day is a special day to celebrate.

zilla definition - anyone who is makes an unnecessary judgement or comment about your choices; usually someone highly persuasive, repetitive, and unrelenting; can cause feelings of anxiety, frustration. Zilla is also highly contagious.

All Things Bright and Beautiful

Ever have a day where EVERYONE annoys you, and every possible thing seems to go wrong? It seems to start from the moment you wake up. The sun is either too bright or the clouds are too grey. The coffee's too weak or too strong - and of course you are out of cream! You forgot to charge your phone, AND your shower seems to no longer provide hot water. You forgot your clothes in the washing machine and there's not a single matching pair of socks in your dresser drawer. Then when you arrive a minute late to work or class, you're singled out for being irresponsible, even though you are ALMOST ALWAYS on time. Sigh... We all know this too well, right?

Of course there is no way we can control the things that annoy us. Life has its way of going its own direction at all times. All we can do is learn how to deal with these annoyances.

When I was in middle school, I remember every day in the morning our guidance counselor would come over the loud speaker to give a little motivational talk along with brief announcements, and then she would always end with a small but powerful message: "make it a great day or not, the choice is always yours". Now at the time, I was 13 and felt like this claim was totally false. Everything that happened to me always felt like the END OF THE WORLD, and EVERYONE was out to get me. That's just how a 13-year-old is though, and I've come to terms with the fact that I have grown up a LOT over the years! Haven't we all? ;)

Well, maybe not everyone has....

Working in the retail industry, I am downright SHOCKED at how some people can be so RUDE. No one seems to have patience anymore, and everything truly is always about THEM. It is hard to act with grace and compassion towards such selfish people, and yet I am called to do so every day. There always seems to be that one incident though where I just snap and I just want to yell, get snotty, or even refuse someone service.

Then, I think about how my actions DO truly affect others. If I choose to be rude and negative, then those choices will ultimately circle back to me. If I choose to act with compassion, patience, and respect, then I believe that those actions will circle back all the same. How can I act that way when so many people try to trip my trigger, though?

Simple. I always think about how that person is another beautiful creation of God. I try to see Christ in them, even though it's hard. I take a deep breath, and sometimes I do need to say something about how they are treating me. I confront them honestly and head-on. I will say, "I do not appreciate your tone, and I am trying to help you. Will you please calm down so that I can focus on doing the best job I can." I will tell you, about 95% of the time, this approach will work. Sometimes, there are folks who are beyond any consolation, but you can't let it get to you.

And this goes for anything else that might annoy you throughout your day. Try to find the beauty in failed attempts and stumblings. All things are bright and beautiful, and at the end of the day, you still have loved ones in your life, a warm house, and a warm bed. You are blessed and you are beautiful. It is your job to share your best side with the world. Yes, there will be times when we too fall short, but even when we do, there is beauty. I promise.

Mirror, Mirror...

When you look into the mirror who and what do you see? Our reflections hold a lot of things. Hopes. Dreams. Truths. Lies. Morals. However, so much more is seen in the glass than our own form reflected. Sometimes we see distortions; and we believe these as the truth. Believing our own distorted views of ourselves, and the world, holds us back. What is even more opposing than believing our own distortions is trying to create distortions in others.

I don't know about you, but something I have noticed is that whenever I feel inadequate about myself, I subconsciously try to stifle it, and then it comes back around like a boomerang. My eyes will dart across a room and I will instantly begin to label people. I'll compare, I'll stereotype, I'll scoff, and I'll laugh. These cruel, and not to mention poisonous, thoughts are negatively impacting my own chances of regaining a true view of myself.

To combat this, I think of all the times I have been laughed at, stereotyped, and scoffed at. I remember what it feels like to be a victim of someone else's insecurities. Then, I make a plan to fight these false pretenses I have created. I tie up the laces of my running shoes and I hit the track. On the roads, I lose the earthly binds and temptations that try to suck me back down. My anxiety dissipates with every step I take, and my self-consciousness vanishes at every mile-marker. Then a smile begins to tug at the corners of my lips, and I gain clarity of the world once again.

I can completely feel the truth behind what Roberta "Bobbi" Gibb, the first woman to finish the Boston Marathon, once said, "I thought about how many preconceived prejudices would crumble when I trotted right along for 26 miles". To break and change so many peoples' minds about what is physically possible is astounding. This goes for anything! So many people will try to tell you 'no, you can't do that', but the truth is YES - yes, YOU CAN, even if it is nothing to do with physical possibility!

People will try to label you, stereotype you, and even criminalize you when you do something out of the ordinary, or walk to a beat that's even slightly different than their own. But what you must remember is that their comments are not about you. Their comments, no matter how hurtful or hateful, are their own insecurities seeping out - and that's the ugliest thing to see of all.

So instead, let's make a pact to be beautiful/outstanding together. Let's channel OUR insecurities and do something POSITIVE. Let's break down those preconceived prejudices that solely exist because we THINK that there just has to be 'NORMAL' people and 'WEIRD' people. To me, when I see another human being, my first thought will be to see the reflection that we need to see in each other- the reflection of a longing for love, kindness, and caring actions. Be the reflection you want to see. It all starts with loving your own heart by breaking your own binds - once you learn to set your insecurities free - everyone can be free. 

Counting Stars

As a child, I remember that the days felt long, and that my youth felt eternal. As I emerged from the innocence of my make-believe to the reality of everyday, I now know that the older I grow, the less permanent my surroundings will be. 

Although this sounds a little bleak, this is a revelation that has changed my perspective...

When I first became an adult, I thought that everything was about being true to a certain label. Title. Education. Income. IQ. Everything was something that could be measured, compared, and earned. I strove towards these things because that is what I deemed success. What I did not realize was just how far away I was from living the truth. 

After giving my full attention to these 'measurable' things, I realized just how shallow they truly were. A prestigious title does not mean someone is an expert. Procuring a great education does not secure a phenomenal job. Earning an astoundingly high income does not guarantee happiness. Having a rocket scientist's IQ does not mean that you will be any more equipped for reality.

Instead, success is about finding what is true to oneself, and doing it well. 

One Republic has a brilliant song, Counting Stars, that says it all, "No more counting dollars, we'll be counting stars". To me, this line means that we need to break free of the labels that hold us back. Don't be afraid to dream, or to color out of the lines. 

Sometimes, you will have to take leaps. I know I did when I quit my job as full-time digital marketing specialist. When I was working underneath that title that sounds so powerful, I felt more weak than ever. I worked for ruthless people who couldn't care less for their employees. I worked for selfish people who only saw the dollar signs. These people went through employees like tissues because they could not see deep down to appreciate these individuals' value. I am not afraid anymore to speak my mind about it. (Despite my resentment towards my past work 'environment', I still find social media, blogging, and digital strategy to be fascinating, and I think they are my strong points!) 

Now, as a Pharmacy Technician, a job I did NOT go to school for, I am happier than I could have ever imagined. Yes, there are long days and demanding days, but there are rewarding days, and those are the days that matter most. I HELP people, and care for them. I am challenged every day, and equally repaid. I work with wonderful people who share my passion, and who understand the value of a hard worker. 

And to the people who try to bring me down for who I am or what I do, I can't even hear you anymore, because my life is amazing, and I am happy. I am blessed, and my blessings are more numerous than the stars in the sky. I couldn't even begin to count..

What labels are you trying to break free of? Do you think our society is too centered on labels? Comment with your thoughts below!

Tripping

Have you ever noticed that just when you think you've got the hang of something, it kind of tends to fall in your face? 

Ugh. I have. 

It seems like whenever I try to be extra clever, extra graceful, or extra helpful, I end up tripping, falling or spilling. Or even worse, when my tongue seems to run counter to my brain... I just hate it when I say something and then ten seconds later the opposite happens (or sometimes even worse, EXACTLY what I have just said happens). Oh, irony....

Even the Greek poet Horace knows that, "Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled". 

Sometimes it just seems that we can't win. We think we have control, when in reality, life is pretty unpredictable. 

However, despite the annoyance of irony, there is beauty. If I was a magic genie and could predict everything, then life would definitely be dull. If I was always perfect and never failed at anything, then I would never learn. If I always had the answer to every problem, then I wouldn't be able cooperate with others to solve the problem as a team. 

Sometimes we just have to face the inevitable that failure allows us to grow. Maybe it's not fun to deal with at the time, but later, when you look back, you'll be astounded by what you've learned - and let's face it, sometimes those stories of failure are pretty funny to share too. 

Do you have a funny failure story? Have you ever said something that has cursed you? Comment with your stories below!