Pink & Sparkly

 

My whole life I’ve been told I wear too much pink. Like it’s a bad thing?? I’ve been told I wear too much makeup, I don’t dress professionally enough, I’m too tall, too fat, too slow, too naive. I’ve been laughed at, picked last for gym, got spat on, and yelled at. I’ve had many small moments that have led up to absolute devastation. My family and I have been left behind by a father who doesn’t care at all, and who also caused me to believe many of these lies for far too long. 

I feel so blessed to be in my thirties now. I know I have a ton of life to live yet (hopefully), but I feel like I’m just now coming to an age where I understand my core nature. I appreciate who I am and where I’ve come from, and that’s not a small thing. I’ve been smacked down a lot in life — literally and figuratively. (Insert the abusive parent stuff here…) I’ve also got to experience a lot of amazing things which has helped to shape me to the person I am. 

I think lately I’ve realized how truly special it is that I am so damn pink and sparkly. I’ve risen above. I’m not perfect, but I live my truth. I’m coming to a point where I don’t really care what other people think anymore. I’m not going to hide my experiences. I’m damn strong because I’ve been through so much. I’ve fought every step of the way. I still stand strong in my pink and sparkles.

I may not look like a pharmacist, or a runner, or a mom, but I look like *me*, and that’s all I can do. I’m the only me there ever will be, and I’m done trying to please others or make them think of me in only a certain way. Despite trying to find confidence in who I know I am, it doesn’t make it easy to hear the comments from others… All the time when I worked in retail pharmacy patients would assume I was a nurse, or that I wasn’t a pharmacist. I’d be spoken down to because I’m a woman. I’d be taken less seriously all because I enjoy wearing lipstick and pink shoes. The same goes for my running journey! Just the other day I had someone make a comment about my body not looking like a body that runs every day… Like, seriously? Runners come in all shapes and sizes! Just because I’m not a size zero doesn’t mean I don’t run. In fact, most days I aim for at least my 10,000 step goal. 

Although it can at times feel frustrating that I don’t fit the molds of what people expect, I can say I’m finally coming to a place where I’m embracing it. I love surprising people! My core person is a little girl who wore hot pink leggings and tutus — I’m still that person! Maybe I don’t “look the part” that society expects (or even demands) — I’m so glad! I will say it is kind of funny though how much it can piss other people off sometimes that I don’t fit these molds! 

The moral of this post is, don’t limit yourself or try to package yourself in some box that someone else designed. Shine as you are — embrace your true colors. Even if your colors are like mine: pink and sparkly, you deserve to feel amazing. You are the only you there ever will be. Embrace that. Live it. Let the pink and sparkles flow through your veins and challenge the world’s view of you in the process. Let your traumas help you grow. Be like the forest that grows taller from the fires. Be like the phoenix that rises from the ashes. Be like that butterfly the caterpillar could only dream of, and go ahead and fly.  

Waves of Change

 

This time of year we celebrate all of the change our world is providing. Even though these changes happen every year, there is so much wonder and awe they seem to create. There is so much magic in the air and the brilliant colors of the leaves delight the eyes. Nature reminds us of the beauty of letting go, falling, and freeing ourselves as we await the new. It also reminds us that we don’t have to let these changes happen quietly. It can be a little messy, very colorful, cold, and turbulent. These changes bring us closer to times that we turn towards each other more. The changes invite us to get more in touch with our childlike tendencies. We get to dress up, play, kick the leaves, wear cozy pajamas, drink warm cocoa, and wear our favorite hats, scarves and sweaters again. 

I always find this time of year to be so exciting. This time of year brings some of my favorite things including our wedding anniversary, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I’m also reminded of the wonderful memory of going to London five years ago with my grandpa. Although this is a beautiful time, there are definitely some darker things that have happened during this time too. I hold onto the sadness of my grandma’s death, a traumatic split between my parents, 9/11, and current events including wars in Ukraine and Palestine. This time of year is a bit of a mixed bag, but I’m choosing to experience the joy. I really have fallen into what they refer to as “romanticizing your life”. Is my life picture perfect? Certainly not. Am I very happy with the changes that have happened recently though? Yes! 

I do feel like the prayers, manifestation, positive thoughts and energies have all started to pay off. I first of all am so excited to announce that I think I’ve finally found my dream pharmacy position which I will start here soon. I’m finally leaving retail and will be trying out long term care pharmacy again, but this time with the Minnesota VA. I am so thrilled to be working regular hours with no nights or weekends despite a very rare occurrence of being on-call to assist patients from my home with authorization for controlled substances for severe or emergent cases. Yes, I’ve done long term care pharmacy before, but I feel in my gut that this experience will be much more positive than my last experience. I think I’m just most glad to be able to be more present in Charlotte’s life. Barring any extreme circumstances, I will be home to tuck her in every single night. I will no longer be gone 10+ hours on weekend days. 

With this change though, I will have to prepare myself mentally to take better care of myself. Now that I’ll be working traditional hours of 8-4:30 or 9:30-6, I will have to be more diligent about routines and especially self care. Although, I’ve certainly had a good wake up call to that recently anyway! Sadly, I’ve been working so hard and over-exercising which led to me getting sick then developing pneumonia all while training for a half marathon. Sadly, I had to defer my entrance to the race until next year, but I’m proud that I recognized my illness. In my past, I would have pushed through this all regardless. Of course, I’m a little worried about what this traditional schedule will mean for my personal endeavors, but I plan to keep my free time sacred and chase after my dreams. It’s so critical as a parent to remain true to yourself, and I’m so determined to keep chasing after my goals. 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, and even though sometimes it’s 10-steps backwards in order to make one step forward, at least there is pay-off. No it’s never immediate, and sometimes it’s not glamorous at all, but it’s life. I’m soaking in the joy right now. I’m choosing to look past my pains and see the good. I’m embracing the change.  

Running Towards

 

You may be in on this not-so-well-kept secret by now, but, in case you haven’t heard, I’m slightly obsessed with distance running. If you’ve followed me on social media within the last 10 years, you’ve probably seen a few sweaty selfies here and there… okay… maybe they’re a bit excessive! I totally *get* that not everyone is interested in that content, but it’s just such a huge passion of mine. 

Let me first of all say that the journey has certainly not been linear. You’d think by now I’d be among the elite runner status running six-minute miles without breaking a sweat and a resting heart rate within the forties. Let me be the first to say I’m far, far away from the six-minute miles. My RHR on the other hand, is actually at a respectable 50 bpm. If you’re a runner, you know the importance of these sorts of things! Despite all of these numbers and stats, there’s usually quite an emotional story that belongs to each runner.

When I first began running over 10 years ago, I actually ran a lot because I was fueled by anger. Wow. Yeah. I know, it’s a scary emotion — especially if you’ve been raised to act like a respectable lady. Why was I angry? Honestly, I really despised my body at the time. I despised my body because the world kept telling me it wasn’t “good enough”. I had “friends”, family members, classmates, community folk all make so many unwanted comments about my size. I was always big for my age, but hello, I’ve also always been tall! I remember being picked last in gym class, made fun of at lunch tables, hearing people talk about me behind my back (literally right behind me so I can still hear them…). I think the very first time I recall being body shamed was probably when I was in second grade and a girl stuck a half-eaten tater tot on my tray to see if I’d eat it… I was young and naive, so I did eat it: because why would I want to waste food? Little did I realize at the moment I was being made fun of. Later on another girl told me the truth. The hurt was so deep I felt like my stomach was burning and the tears stung my eyes. From then on I was acutely aware of my body, shape and size. Like I said, the acuity of my awareness only grew with time and continued comments. 

At the worst of my days, I was running a range of 5-10 miles a day usually consuming fewer than 1200 calories. When you do that math, it ends up being a significant deficit. I wanted nothing other than to be thin and accepted. The really messed up part is that most of the time, I was really well received at that point. I felt like I was being noticed and seen for the first time really. It’s crazy how quickly it can spiral out of control. 

Luckily, I worked really hard on finding my self worth, and I also became insanely busy with pharmacy school. I still struggled with the disordered thoughts for a long time. They are whispers at this point, but sadly, they’re still there today. Like a boomerang though, sometimes when you wind too far one direction, you come flying back in the opposite direction. Basically, when I became pregnant, I totally stopped caring about what I was eating at all, and running was a huge challenge due to exhaustion in my first trimester, and then round ligament pain for the remainder of the pregnancy. After having a baby, it was a gigantic adjustment with trying to find myself, and really for the first year and a half I felt like I had totally lost myself. 

You may be thinking this is a story about how I “got my body back after pregnancy”. Definitely not. My body now is completely different than it was before. I have stretch marks and saggy skin and it really doesn’t resemble at all how it used to look. Now, I focus on how to build the *healthiest* version of myself, which includes sticking to whole food choices and lots and lots of protein, with limited consumption of carbohydrates (specifically refined carbs). Although, again, if you’re a runner, you know that I definitely need and eat carbs during race prep season. Now that I just finished my summer race training process, I’ll definitely return to my simpler ways of eating that keep me feeling at my peak mental state. 

Focusing on becoming the healthiest version of my body has been really challenging. I choose to continue to run because it really gives me a sense of power and confidence. These are not feelings that come naturally to me, and generally speaking, they are not feelings I’m really too comfortable with. However, I’m trying to own these feelings a bit more because I have a ginormous responsibility now — and that’s being a mother. 

Why do I choose to continue run? I want to show Charlotte how strong a woman can be when she puts her mind to something. I want her to see that I value myself and the body (the temple) I’ve been given. Is it about being a modelesque size or seeking the approval of others? Definitely not. I want her to build her own path and run to the beat of her own drum. I’m extremely proud of her because I do see a real fire in her. She has so much confidence and joy in her, and I never want to put that out. I know I can’t protect her from everything, and I know for sure I have and will continue to make mistakes in my parenting of her, but I want her to be so confident because it’s the one thing I’m not so sure I’ll ever quite be able to get to on my own. 

Being a mom is not about losing everything that makes you *you*. I have and will continue to sacrifice so much for her to continue to grow into the beautiful girl she is. I will do this while ensuring I stay true to myself and honor the body and the life I’ve been given. I have this one chance on Earth to do something beautiful and my choice is to always cheer other people on. One favorite quote I have that sums this up is that life is about the “ands”. Meaning, I don’t have to choose one way or the other. I know I will be a much worse parent if I don’t take care of myself from a physical, spiritual, or mental sense. I will not sacrifice the things that make me innately *me*. 

I will also continue to impart to my daughter that life is abundant with beauty. Appreciate your own beauty in the way that you can. Celebrate the beauty of others no matter how different they may be. Run towards others and lift them up instead of tearing them down. Instead of comparing, celebrate those that are absolutely crushing their dreams. Kindness is contagious. Keep on running, my dears. 

Making Connections

 

Finding joy has been a major goal for my 2023. One of the ways that I’ve really tried to cultivate more joy in my life is to be much more intentional with my thought processes and my choices in general. One aspect that I consistently aim for is understanding my purpose. How I attempt to understand my purpose is that I first dream up big goals and then break down these big goals into smaller bits. I tend to break things down into time increments and try to associate actions that help me classify that particular time period. I’m certain a lot of you are the same! Just think of each new year when you sit down to think of resolutions! You are taking the time to think about the goals you achieved in the year that’s ending and thinking about new things to attempt in the new year. 

Now, I know we are well past the new year timing; however, it’s good to think back to what you said to yourself and make a mental note of what you’ve done that adds merit to what you said you were going to do. One key way that I try to ensure that I’m remaining true to my “resolutions” is to assign a word to my year. My word of this year, which I promptly decided on in late December 2022, has been “connect”; which, when you see that word, may not spark all that much. However, the word connect has a really powerful meaning for me. First and foremost it’s a verb, an action word; its meaning is “to bring together” or “to create access”. It’s a profound word choice for me in particular, because my word choice for 2022 was “manifest”. Again, I love choosing verbs as my words of the year as in the nature of these words there’s action attached. I just feel so strongly that “manifest” and “connect” are so beautifully paired for each other for consecutive years — especially with the experiences I’ve had! 

I look back on 2022 and realize I was in a pretty delicate place. I was working for a company that left me with so little to give to anyone else (including my family and myself). Our world was still in the throws of recovering from the COVID-19 pandemic, and burnout was everywhere. I was pretty unhealthy as a result of trying to balance being a newer mom and working full time in a very thankless place. I clung onto my word “manifest” though. I knew that somehow by trying to reframe my mindset would help change my life from a place of lack to a place of abundance. I was tired of living in a scarcity mindset. I was done putting limits on myself. 

Fast forward to now, I’ve become a little more confident at being a parent (although it’s still my life’s greatest work and challenge — also the most rewarding). I’ve been working as a pharmacist at a new company for the past 6 months which has allowed me a much healthier work-life balance. I’ve also taken big steps to reclaim my body and my health as both have been a struggle for me. I had been attempting to ignore symptoms for quite a while and eventually got so frustrated that I did decide to speak up, which was not an easy thing for me to do… that’s a whole other can-of-worms, though! I’m finally in a place though where I feel like I’m getting some “footing” so-to-speak. Now, in the past, I would have been afraid to say that, let alone write it down for the world to read. I would have been worried about jinxing myself and then the wrath would be released upon me and my life. Again, that was a scarcity mindset… I’m here now to say that I am making progress. I’m taking the steps necessary to better myself and my life. I’m done playing corporate games and climbing social or other structural ladders to be accepted. I’m moving forward as myself and I’m not afraid to make the connection. 

I think for a long time I’ve been a little bit afraid of making connections. Why? I’m not really sure. I guess because change can be scary. Sometimes success is scary, and failure is definitely scary — terrifying even. I think I have caged myself up for too long though. I don’t want to be afraid of success anymore, and I want to be optimistic (even if it is cautious optimism) of failure. Truly, when I look back on what has allowed me to feel connectivity is participating in the “1% better” mindset. I know my last post was about my petrification of not doing things in an absolutely “perfect” manner. Now, I’m looking at things in a different way. Instead of choosing not to do something because I can’t do it perfectly, I choose to act in a way that’s 1% better than I was the previous day. Again, see my last post for more information of what that process has been like of giving up the scarcity/perfectionist tendencies. Also, I greatly urge you to read “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. This book is something I’ll most likely carry with me for the rest of my life as it helped me to even become familiar with the “1% better” path. 

Overall, what I am trying to get across is that our lives don’t happen by accident. Even though we may not have control over what is going to happen, we do have 100% control over our response. To make the appropriate connection has been paramount in my mental health and I hope that this post will make a little sense to someone else… Our lives aren’t meant to be lived with an attitude of scarcity.. Even when everything feels negative, turn back to see how far you’ve come. Manifest the things that will bring you abundance and then make the connections that allow those manifestations to become a reality. Have an idea of who you want to be? Act like the person you hope to become right now, and eventually you’ll wake up one day and recognize that you’ve become that person. It doesn’t take a huge overnight change — and let’s face it, those aren’t even sustainable anyway. It’s about the tiniest drop, the one step, the one breath, the one choice added up each hour, each day, each week, each month, etc. Free yourself from the big picture, and just take the one step. It’s just like one of those 1000 piece puzzles… each little connection will eventually build something so amazing, you won’t hardly believe it. 

I’m Giving This Up

 

Summer days are supposed to be full of fun and carefree times, right? I mean, yeah it’s technically not quite yet summer, and yeah you’ve got to get up for work pretty much every day, and then on top of work, you cook, clean, shower yourself, wrangle a toddler, run errands, go to church, and try to spend time with family, friends and your spouse. On top of this, maybe you try to do even more like read books for book club (and then your two other side books including at least one self-help/motivational book), train for a half marathon, listen to podcasts, watch reality shows on Netflix, all while obsessively sipping coffee or occasionally indulging in a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in the evening. Wow, my fingers are kind of exhausted just from typing this all out. 

Maybe you’re a cynical person (as I can also tend to be) and you have rolled your eyes a little from reading that section all whilst thinking to yourself: stop complaining and just keep going — it can’t be that bad — we’re all going through the same battle(s) — you’re too privileged to complain like that — you’re bragging about doing all of that. Believe me, I’ve been there and sometimes I’m still there. Judgment is so easy to fall into. 

Here’s the thing though that I’ve really been discovering within the last 6 months in particular: judgment is what is TRULY holding me back. Upon real, true inspection, it’s honestly astonishing how much these voices in my head telling me that I’m too much all while screaming at the same time that I’m not enough have caused me so much confusion, and not to sound too dramatic, but the suffering. I’m stifling my own self for fear of judgment of others all while I never take the time to appreciate or even acknowledge what I’ve accomplished. As a people-pleaser and perfectionist this is the absolute perfect shit storm of shame that is all too easy to get sucked up into. Here’s the thing though: I’m giving myself permission to give this up.

I’m giving myself the permission to let this all go and just do the things. It’s okay if it isn’t perfect or if it doesn’t fit someone else’s narrative of who I should be. I cannot and will not ever be all things to every person, and there’s no way that I can ever possibly make everyone like me. Now that I’ve recognized this truly for really the first time in my life, I’ve found so much more freedom. I will say though, these tendencies and voices are so deeply rooted, it is going to take continued work to hush it all to a level where I can barely hear the whispers. Yes, the judgment may still be there. It’ll always be the fearful siren song that will try to suck me in. 

In the meantime, the other side of this issue is that so many times, I will sacrifice the things that I need to do in order to feel like a complete human (such as exercise, downtime, etc) to try to get more tasks done (such as cleaning, planning, etc). That is another piece of the noise that clouds my brain that I’m absolutely done with. I will always be an angrier person if I do not take the time to do the things that actually do fill my cup a little. There is a reason why on the airplanes they say to put your oxygen mask on before you assist someone else… I literally cannot think or breathe properly if I do not take care of myself. So I’m done giving that part of me up for the sake of being more productive. 

Maybe reading all of this you think, wow this woman is crazy. Maybe I am. Or maybe you’re just a type-B non-perfectionist personality. Again, I can’t let myself get caught up in the fear of what other people think about me. This is just a snapshot of how my brain works. Maybe you read this, and you think, holy moly, this woman just explained everything I’ve ever felt but have never been able to express! Welcome to the type-A, perfectionist, people-pleaser club. However you respond to this blind truth of the core of how I’ve been built as a human can say a lot. Regardless of which way you feel yourself lean, what I do hope can be taken away from this rambling piece work is that judgment is rampant, but despite how plentiful it is, it is not always constructive. I urge you to truly examine how judgment may cause you to limit yourself or try to place limits on others. I also want to tell you to stop giving up your moments of self care for the sake of “productivity” — you will never feel satisfaction from that and you’ll only build resentment towards yourself and others all while causing yourself to distrust your human instincts. 

Build yourself a beautiful life full of truth, vulnerability, authenticity and freedom. So if you needed a voice to say “I give you permission to _________”, I will gladly be that for you. You will never regret doing the things that make you be a better version of your truest self - I sincerely promise. 

Hello At Long Last

 

Hello there?? I think that’s what we say when it’s been 7 years since your last post? 

Wow. Here I am dusting the keys off of my keyboard facing this old blog ready to pen down new feelings. I used to make this a monthly practice… Let’s just say I fell off the bandwagon just a little bit! 

You may be asking why now? Aren’t you too busy for this? Good question, and yes, most likely I am too busy? Maybe? Like a lot of people though I fill the downtime I have with trivial things like Netflix’s “Love is Blind”, countless scrolls on TikTok, and other mindless distractions. This all aside, yes, I am a full-time pharmacist and a mama of a very energetic two-year old, Charlotte. I’ve been married for almost 9 years now to the love of my life, my rock, Tyler. Let’s not forget I’m a fur mama too to our sweet Annie who is almost 14 now. We have a beautiful family that has been pieced together with such love and care. Don’t get me wrong though — we are not the picture of perfection, but rather a picture of dysfunction at its finest! Seriously, parenthood is no joke. 

I think that has been what’s drawn me back to this blog… This blog has always served as a canvas for me to soul dump a little. I feel like I can share feelings freely on here and not bog down the mainstream socials with long winded posts that few care to see or interact with. I recognize I’m not everyone’s cup of tea - probably because I’m tequila! LOL! Seriously though, I know not everyone cares to read what I have to say. What I do want to say though is that there’s enough on social media depicting perfection and ultimately consumerism. I don’t want to get on a soap box or go down a rabbit hole, but I think we are missing a lot of truth, authenticity and vulnerability on the typical channels which we consume. Honestly, I’m just as guilty as the rest. It’s super easy to share the happy (or perhaps maybe more cynically the humble brag) posts. I want to do my part to contribute to in-depth conversations regarding things that truly make me think, or things that fill my cup, or things that piss me off, or the things that bring me joy. 

I want to share a more in-depth authentic journey that depicts a true life of a working parent. It isn’t glamorous, and it sure as hell isn’t easy. Now that I’m older, there’s been a pandemic, I’ve experienced massive burnout, I’ve experienced family drama, really sad times, massively proud moments, and everything in between. I feel that all these experiences may make it easier to connect with others. I want to open my heart a little and get back to writing because it is one of the things that does bring me joy. I feel like I can breathe so freely after throwing words on the walls. 

I want to ensure my content is something that a few would like to connect with though, because seriously, what fun is it to have this conversation with a completely empty room? So here’s where I want to hear from you: share what you’d like to read about! I may not be able to accommodate every topic, but I’m happy to give this a real go. Whether you’d like to hear more about my work, my family, my hobbies (which are mainly running and reading), or whatever. At the end of the day, I’m a rather extemporaneous person, so I will write what comes to my mind too, because it’s truly what feels the most authentic to me. 

Say Something?

I'm having a bit of a late night internal debate about social media and Instagram in particular... I don't know about anyone else, but lately I just feel annoyed by all of the posts that center around someone fishing for compliments. I get that some of the posts are on there due to insecurity, but I have to wonder, are people really that desperate? Or is it because they have so much confidence? I know the normal, healthy thing to do would be to delete these platforms that celebrate a false sense of perfection, but I'd hate to get rid of the reality that does slip in through the cracks.

Besides the false images being portrayed, the other issue is the bombardment of politics/arguments. Yes, everyone is entitled to free speech but I simply cannot stand when wars are started in comment sections over the simplest stories/posts that were never intended to cause so much drama. Can't someone just take something at face value anymore? And if you do happen to see something you disagree with, do you *HAVE* to comment on it? I know there are different levels - like if something is obviously, morally wrong, then yeah, I see that inserting yourself into the situation to protect someone from getting hurt is necessary. Again though, just because you make a post about a belief that *you* think is crucial, and someone does decide to disagree with you, that doesn't give you the right to react rudely to that individual either. Let's say someone posts "I hate Trump" or "I hate Hillary", for example. Is it totally necessary to comment about how "stupid" or "uneducated" that person is? Can't we just ignore it and move on and understand that each person is entitled to his/her own opinion and that at the end of the day, that post really doesn't affect you - because honestly, even if you do comment, you're probably not going to change that person's mind.

All-in-all the platforms that I used to love from a creative standpoint have really started to make me sad. Are we just turning into people that are determined to hurt the feelings of others? Or are we the ones making constant posts to get that sense of validation that we are so hungry for? I know I've definitely done a few things online in the past that make me think about my real intentions of what I'm actually trying to say... And some of these things have made me wonder, am I just trying to seek attention? Am I just fishing for validation? Honestly anymore I just try to post about the things that I love and more importantly, the people that I love. And lately, overall, I've been saying less and less, simply due to the fear that even a simple post could set off a war. I know I shouldn't have to be afraid, but anymore, the censorship runs so rampant, that anything you say can be taken and used against you (especially if it's taken out of context).

I just think it's really important to take a step back - I'm not trying to say censor yourself, but just think before writing - is this a post that conveys my true self? Is it hurtful? Is it necessary? And maybe it's not completely possible to have a definitive answer to any of these questions from every possible perspective, but I do think these questions are important. Every story is allowed to have multiple sides and interpretations - and that's the beauty of a story. Everyone will enjoy the perspective that they interpret, and it's totally natural and acceptable if you choose to see a story different than someone else.

In conclusion, just be kind, be patient, and know that words shouldn't be used as a weapon. Treat and talk to others the way you would like to be treated and talked to. And seriously, if you don't have the guts to say something in person, then you probably shouldn't type it online...

Terrors

When you think of your worst fear, what's the first image that pops into your mind? Probably something you don't want to think about! Maybe you cringe at some of the images above like I do, or maybe you're afraid of something a 'normal' person would call 'irrational'. No matter what you're afraid of, in your mind, there doesn't have to be any sort of reasoning involved with your fear - all you know is that you're scared and you don't want to be anywhere near that fear.

Lately when I am getting into bed I fall into a state where I'm almost asleep, but then suddenly I am jolted wide awake again by some horrifying thought. Whether I just saw myself getting into a bad car crash, or imagined myself getting a phone call telling me that I've been kicked out of school, or even just a sensation of falling, I end up gasping for more air and laying there wide-eyed until the fear goes away and I try to rationalize to myself that it was just a dream - even though it really wasn't. The psyche is weird that way though... Sometimes you can convince yourself that something is so real - even though it wasn't.

After several nights of this happening, I began to think more about the things that scare me and why in those moments they are so terrifying. I also thought about my process of dealing with my fears mentally and resolved that most of the time I just try to shove the fear away - instead of dealing with it. Then I had a very unnerving realization - maybe by pushing those fears aside instead of acknowledging them and confronting them I have surpassed opportunities in my life without even realizing it.

Now, I know this may seem like an obvious thing to think about, but I'm not just talking about being terrified of flying on an airplane and then taking a train instead... I'm talking about everyday moments where I was too worried or anxious to take that extra step closer to my 'fears' and therefore missing something that could of ultimately change my life. What if by being too self-conscious I didn't make conversation with someone in the waiting room and then passed up an opportunity to make a friend? What if by being too nervous I didn't audition for a play and missed out on being part of an amazing group of people? What if by worrying too much about what others thought caused me to not speak up to defend someone who was being bullied?

After consideration of countless other things I may have missed out on, I sort of frowned at myself and thought that it is true that the past is in the past. I did feel sorry for anything I had failed to do but then resolved to myself that I need to be truer to myself and listen to my inner voice. I need to stop being so worried or scared what everyone might think because chances are they think much less about me than I would ever realize. Who cares if one day I decide to not wear makeup? Who cares if I miss one day at the gym? Who cares if I speak up a little more and let myself be *me* a little more? The answer is probably no one! And that's kind of awesome!

On that same notion I hope to be a little more brave and step out of my comfort zone a little more. I want to look strangers in the eye, smile and say hi because it might just make someone's day. I want to try to be more friendly, more outgoing, and have fewer boundaries. I want to live life for today and let tomorrow worry about itself. I want to reach out, to make friends, to make a difference, and to be honest. I want to be scared, and I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to put my fears right out there for everyone else to see.

So what are you so afraid of?

Making the First Milestone

Breathing in the fresh air, I can feel it exciting my lungs. The energy rushes through and penetrates every vessel in my system. My heart pounds with every increasing step. My eyes fixate on the trail ahead. I see a lone white marker in the distance. I mentally see myself rushing past it, but oh this hill is so steep, and my feet are so tired. I shake the thought from my head. I'm obsessed with passing it. Suddenly the little white pole is out of my field of vision. What the heck? I glance over my shoulder, and, oh my goodness, of course, I passed it a whole minute ago and didn't even realize it!

Isn't that just how life goes? We work so hard to get past that marker in the distances of our imaginations -- whatever that marker may symbolize -- and we focus so much on it, and get so caught up in the process, we fail to realize when we actually have crossed past it! I'm not saying that focusing on the process is a bad thing - it's just that once we do realize we've had some success it's extremely important to recognize it and thank ourselves for the efforts we have achieved. Gratitude is such an important aspect of proceeding ahead, and we cannot lose sight of it.

Last night I had the privilege of receiving my white coat as a symbol of my completion of the first year of pharmacy school at SDSU. All of my classmates also received theirs too and it was such a special moment for us all. We pledged ourselves to professionalism and always being willing to extend a hand to those in-need. We promised our dedication to ethical behavior and to always center ourselves around our code of conduct. We are not only holding ourselves accountable -- we are there to hold everyone around us accountable. Which is another key aspect to success -- community.

I would be greatly wrong if I said I made it this far just by my own will. Sure my determination has helped me, but oh, that's simply a drop in the bucket. It takes a village to raise an individual to be where there are. I have countless people to thank, and I recognize their dedication and appreciate the time they have taken to assist me.

Yes, I am running this race, but I am not running on my own. I have the joy of running with so many other people (my classmates, those ahead of me in the program, and graduates). I also have the privilege of my supporters -- you are running with me too! It's an ongoing race and graduation will not be the finish line for me. This is a race I'll be running the rest of my life. I will never slow down. I'm determined to push for my personal best and remember all of the goodness you have all shared with me. Thank you for all being here with me. Here's to the trail ahead!

Blank Slate

Once upon a time, almost three and a half years ago, a scared young woman took flight from the comfort of her home nest with her parents to move to the "big city". She was so unsure of what life would bring and had so many hopes, dreams and fears. She was chasing so many things, and this was the time where she could finally be out on her own and to take the creative freedom she wanted so badly for her life. She had a blank slate to begin writing her story. That story started in apartment #216, and her story is mine.

At that point, I remember feeling so proud of myself that I was living on my own in what at the time seemed like a luxury apartment. I remember feeling so established, independent and even brave. It felt like I could finally make mistakes and stretch myself in new directions. Yet I realize now how very little I knew - that's what being independent is all about though.

That apartment was my nirvana. I could cozy up at night and read books, watch my favorite shows like Downton Abbey and revel in the quiet. I grew up in a family of eight, so I was so used to chaos always, but now was different. I could make my own schedules, I no longer had a curfew, and I was a career woman just doing what I thought I knew best.

That apartment was also a place where I could build myself up each day. I would get ready and put on my face of makeup every day; I'd workout in the exercise facility; I'd try to cook and fail. Although it was a great place for all of these things, it was also the place where I could come home and night and cry if I needed to. I could feel weak, small and clueless there. I'd feel just totally stuck in the muddle of life, and feel so helpless and lonely. It was a place where I discovered a lot about myself. I learned that I wasn't cut out to be in the digital world anymore. It was where I remembered that I thrive on challenges and social environments that promote positivity and learning.

After living alone in that apartment for over two years, my husband Tyler eventually joined me and that was such an exciting time. It was definitely cramped and crowded, but we made it work and learned to appreciate each other's personal space. It was a great place to bond with him and we made it work.

Now after packing up all of the boxes, and cleaning that apartment from top to bottom, it once again looks like that blank slate. I shut the door for the last time knowing that someone else will have the opportunity to bring their life to light in a new environment. It's an end to my chapter there, and the invitation for a new chapter to another.

Now that I'm a homeowner, I feel especially blessed that we are so fortunate to have had the experiences that we have had, and I'm looking forward to doodling on the blank slate that is our home. I know I will grow so much more between these walls - and that anticipation is pretty great!

Reflections and Resolutions

The new year has just begun and it's time for the tradition of activating all of the resolutions that were just mere thoughts in our heads from the night before. Now that the first day of the year has almost passed, a thought may have crossed our minds... "just what was I thinking last night?"... and "it won't hurt if I start tomorrow, or next Monday, right?"...

I can identify with these types of thoughts because the idea of change is so daunting. It's so uncomfortable. So unnerving.... At least that's what we may tend to dwell on, right? I mean it's easy to focus on all of the things that are "wrong" in our lives and all of the things we want to CHANGE. We want to be more educated, more talented, more athletic, and less lazy, eat less junk food, and be less messy. Whatever change it is that we have in mind it is DIFFERENT from our norm and that is what makes it so difficult to adjust to.

To reiterate, it seems to be the VOIDS that we tend to focus on when we make these resolutions. We might be comparing our lives to fictional characters, idolized celebrities, or some sort of idealized version of ourselves. The truth of the matter is though that we cannot change without first taking the moment to reflect and realize all of the GOOD that fills our lives. The new year isn't supposed to be about punishing ourselves for not being that concept in our head. The new year should really be just another chance to recharge and take a step beyond those good intentions. Think about the ACTION instead of the pain. Think about what effect your actions can have. 

So I give you permission to rethink your resolutions. Take a good look in the mirror, and maybe grab a pad of paper. I want you to write down 10 things you are grateful for and 10 things that you LIKE about yourself. Once you have done that, then you will be more open-minded to the opportunity for challenge. Yes - I say challenge because we as humans are designed to think in terms of a competition or make things into a game. Once you change your mindset and no longer look at your resolution as a chore or a punishment and look at it as a challenge - that is when you will find success. Success comes because you cannot spell CHALLENGE without CHANGE.

So whether your resolution be to get in better shape, read more books, do more good deeds, or travel the world, find the challenge and excitement that pushes you to seek more. Look at yourself with love and appreciation and you will not be disappointed. Be challenged and be changed and enjoy 2016 to the fullest of your capability. 

One Way Ticket - Destination: Siberia

In my head I'm packing my bags, lining up my passport (a new identity), and my hopes and dreams. I'm waiting in the airport terminal waiting for the plane to whisk me away to a whole new world. I'm flying to Siberia - where no one will know me - where I can start over and just be 'me'. In my daydream, I only look straight ahead - there's nothing holding me back, and I'm not tempted at all to look behind me.

Daydreams are risky like that. They allow you to escape the reality for just a minute and to embrace the next-to-impossible. They allow you to close your eyes and just be completely hidden in your own head where you aren't worried at all about what anyone else thinks.

As I open my eyes, I realize that I shouldn't be hiding myself in a daydream. I shouldn't be scared to take those same kinds of risks in reality. Especially now that I am living out my actual dream. I'm pursuing something that is so much bigger than me. I'm scared, terrified and completely overwhelmed. How can I possibly handle this?

My strengths may not 100% lie in what I'm pursuing right now. I'm not amazing at memorizing. I'm not perfect at understanding the different kind of lipids or enzymes. I lay awake at night calculating pKa's of different compounds as well as ratios of ionized and free form molecules because I'm terrified I'll forget how to figure it out. I'm not getting all A's on every assignment anymore. I *have* to get a C or better though. The pressure never sleeps - and neither do I as of late.

It's tough balancing it all. It's definitely a challenge that is so beyond my scope and strength, but yet I go forward. God wouldn't have given me this path if He knew I couldn't handle it. I am called to do this. And even with all of these challenges I have, I know my life is much less complicated than the lives of many. I am grateful that I have such an amazing journey ahead of me and that I have been given so many chances.

So am I planning to close my eyes, drop it all, and turn away just because it's hard? I can't. I must keep going. I'm taking a way bigger risk staying where I am- finding the *real* me - than flying away to a whole new world where there's no 'real me' at all.

The snow may seem whiter in my daydreams than in reality; however, the real white clarity is found in waking up every day to try harder than the day before, taking deep breaths, closing my eyes, smiling, and seeing the life I'm living right now imprinted in reality and in my dreams. The journey is just beginning, so I better buckle that seat belt and get ready to be immersed in the clouds. 

Definitions

With the English major I received as my undergraduate, I have a great appreciation for definitions. To this day, any time we sit down to play a game of Scrabble, my mother is whipping out her copy of the American Heritage Dictionary: College Edition just to challenge any questionable words played. (Yes, our games are *that* competitive...). While we play, the definitions of the words are considered thoughtfully in terms of how many points we can earn, and there are small props for creativity and strategy. It's funny to note though how these definitions are simply just words on a page to describe another word.

Just like those challenges my mother makes, the other day, I was caught in a real definitive moment. I was taking part in a casual conversation with someone and joked about my age in reference to the classes I was taking. Well, this person responded in an astonished tone, "What have you done with your life?". Now this person is only a year younger than I am, and is already working in the industry he intended to be in, but I was definitely surprised by his question. For I personally do believe that no one is really ever too old to change their mind and go a different route - especially with education. However, instead of standing up for what I truly believe I have *done* with my life, I immediately responded by listing out all of the things that I had done. I have a degree, I worked at a website development company for a year, etc. etc... And this answer was totally automatic - borderline defensive, because I was secretly a little ashamed of myself. I had been quickly debunked by someone for not being where I want to be.....yet.

Several days later this conversation is still on my mind. What keeps coming into my mind is how it's so amazing and quite frankly tragic that in the blink of an eye we can reduce ourselves to little more than mere words. Not just any words either, words that encompass our successes, our status, and our title... instead of words encircling our beliefs, morals, attitudes, and ethics.

This is the same scenario when we meet anyone new and they might ask us what we do for a living. We might automatically answer, oh I'm a lawyer, or a teacher, or a mother, or a doctor.. And then we'll just leave it at that. Well, I have thought about those answers, and now I can say without a doubt that it is far too unfair to sell ourselves so short.

Why would we limit ourselves to just a word or two when we know what really went into making us who we are. Our communities, our churches, our families and our friends have all shaped us, taught us, prepared us, and from the different upbringings we've had, we all bring something slightly different to the table. How is it then that when we are asked a question we still just answer with an inch, a mile, a pound, a dollar, a title, a word? Where is the meaning in that?

So when someone asks me, "so you want to be a pharmacist?". Yes, I do. With all my heart I do. But, I also want to be a friend, a wife, a leader, a teacher, a resource, a caring person, a positive force, a smiling face, an honest speaker, a thoughtful person, and so, so much more.

I challenge you to think about the definitions in your life. Have you limited yourself? Are you afraid to explore new definitions? Should there really even be any definitions at all?

Scared Straight

I don't know if you've ever experienced jitters the night before a big day at a new job, or butterflies in your stomach right before giving an important speech in public, or even get a little freaked out the idea of introducing yourself to a room full of new people, but if you're like me, you'll know that it's pretty darn scary in any of these scenarios.

This last week I've had troubles closing my eyes and going to sleep mainly because I've begun a whole new journey that will keep me pretty occupied in the next four years. I've *finally* begun pharmacy school!

Last year when I was taking pre-pharmacy classes, it seemed so far away, and I was so scared that I couldn't even make it through that. This summer, even after I had already been accepted into the program, I had to face major challenges. After you are accepted, if you still have classes to complete, you have to get a 'B' or better in any remaining class... Although that may not sound too overly daunting, trying to finish up 12 credits with a B or better, all while being faced with crunched time, hours at work, and just trying to remain a normal human (who occasionally eats and sleeps), it was exhausting. Quite honestly, it scared the crap out of me too, but that is why I'm writing here today..

On our first day of school, during our orientation program, we were encouraged to write a letter to a freshman pre-pharmacy student to give them advice. Although I didn't offer much advice specifically about pharmacy or classwork, I did think of a few things that I always try to carry with me. First and foremost, I suggested to that future student that she should always be grateful for the opportunity that she has in front of her. Any challenge should be seen as an opportunity- and it should be respected. Second, I suggested to that girl that she should really think about the things she wants and life- and to never stop reaching until she could get there - and that's where the fear-factor comes in.

If you want success in your life, no matter who you are or where you are in life, I'd suggest doing something every day that scares you. Now I don't mean putting yourself in great amounts of danger or doing frivolous things without thinking... I'm saying you should take a calculated risk, that may benefit you- even if it scares you. For example, if you are in school, raise your hand to offer an idea in class - even if you might be wrong- you are learning to own your voice. If you're a stay-at-home mom with kids crawling over you and driving you bonkers, take them to a daycare just for a day to relax and just be *you* again - even if it seems scary to drop them off. If you've never gone to the gym, get a punch card that will allow you to try different classes, and try to say hi to one new person each day. Give a stranger a compliment, or start a conversation with someone while you wait in a line. You never know what you may find out about someone- and you never know where that conversation might lead. 

Every day and every situation presents an opportunity. First (and always) be grateful for that exact moment that you are in, and then go ahead and dare to make that unexpected leap. Be scared. You'll end up being surprised at how much you can grow, and you'll end up being even more grateful for all of the wonderful experiences that you've had.

When Did I Let "Less Than" Rule Me?

I still remember the day that I walked up to the platform at Dakota State University to give my salutatorian speech. I just remember that day being so wonderful. It was one of those moments in my life where I had such an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I was so proud of myself, and felt so certain about my future. I thought I had a plan.

Well they always say that God laughs at the plans that man makes for himself. I guess this was pretty much how it went down. Looking back, I don't regret a thing. I'm so glad I had that experience. DSU helped me to unearth the real me. It helped me to discover that I have creative tendencies, and a deep desire to connect with music, art, and the abstract. It taught me to think of bigger things than just myself. It was the springboard that allowed me to jump into so many different areas including a job that taught me that I was meant to be someone more. It taught me to respect myself and to never feel like I should deserve anything less than what I was worth.

Now after two years at Lewis drug as a pharmacy technician, I've prepared myself for the next huge step in my educational journey. I'm moving on to pharmacy school! Yes, I'm sure most of you already knew that, but now it's really here. I've gotten through some real hardships, and I have continued to persevere even when it did seem impossible.

And trust me. There were many times I wanted to give up. I thought I wasn't smart enough. I thought I wouldn't be able to figure it out. I barely knew more than the basics in chemistry. I would beat myself down during these times and tell myself that I was 'less than' the other students pursuing the same journey as me. I'd sit in the car after taking a test and sometimes cry because I felt so nervous that I wouldn't make the cut. I thought that even though I was trying my hardest, I was still somehow unqualified for even trying to make it.

My journey with health and wellness has also gone similarly. It's funny how all areas of your life really are linked together... Anyway, even when I weighed the least, a mere (and somewhat skeletal) 120 pounds at 5'10" I still felt at times that I was 'less than' the other women I'd see. After finally letting myself just be content, I was truly healthy for several years and gained a little weight back to be more stable. Going back to school did put quite a bit of stress on me though, and I've stopped taking the time to properly respect my body with consistent exercise and healthy eating choices. However, now I've come to look at the health process very differently. There is not a magical solution that is going to make you look good- you have to work hard- own your mistakes- and get right back up and keep going. I'm still healthy and content with how I look, but it's a continuing process.

After dealing with these struggles, I really know though, that I am worth more. I should not let the 'less than' fear rule me. For with confidence, and God's grace, I can truly become the strongest person I can be. So, going on from here, I'm ready to really put my fears behind me.

I'm ready to be more than I am today - even if it's just baby steps or one small thing every single day. It will be a process - I just have to learn to trust in the process - to let go, to jump, to be 'more than'.

The Unknown

As we circle in closer to July 15th, I can't help but think of all the amazing things the last year has brought me. I feel like my life took one of those total roller coaster turns, and I am inching ever-so-close to even more excitement.

So what is so special about July 15th? Well, that day was my first day working at Lewis Drug. I still remember ditching my stiffened office clothes for the ever-classic khakis and cobalt polo. I remembered feeling excited to go to work (which is a feeling I had long forgotten) and I yet to this day rarely dread going to work (except for maybe the occasional Senior Day! Ha!). Going to work at Lewis was something so unexpected, even for myself, that I yet to this day scratch my head as I try to remember why I ever thought to apply at Lewis.

You'd think with my experience and education that I would have just gone the normal route of trying to find another company, within the last industry that I worked for, to apply at. But something just tugged at my insides and told me that Lewis was the right choice. Boy, was my gut right.

So here I am, standing on the other side of the year, looking back and realizing just how FAST time went. I think about all of the things that I have learned and all of the wonderful people I have met. It truly is incredible what the right work environment can do for a person. Am I trying to say that Lewis is always perfect? Of course not. But I am saying that it has taught me to never be afraid to learn new things and to step outside of my comfort zone - not only to help a customer - but to better myself.

With that said, I am now taking a very scary and new step to continue my journey of learning. I am applying to SDSU to get into the college of pre-pharmacy, and I will soon hear back to see if my application has been approved. I am nervous about this unknown step, just as I was nervous when I first sent in my application to Lewis and to leave the comfort of my swanky office-job-title to take the Pharmacy Clerk position offered to me. But as I have continued to learn and grow in my role, now as a *certified* Pharmacy Technician, I cannot deny my fascination with learning more about medications and health.

It will be a hard journey. I am not sure if I will even make it. Maybe I will fail. But maybe I will excel. And I have a feeling that with the amount of attention, energy and passion that I have, that I will succeed. Maybe that seems a little premature to say, but I truly do feel in my gut that I will succeed in this next step. I have no idea where it will take me, or how it will impact my life, but I am ready to take that ride. I just pray that I am taking the right path - the one that God has intended for me to take, and that I can carry out His Will as best as I possible can. 

Jitters

Right now I am suffering from a severe case of the jitters. Why? Well, it is the night before my FIRST EVER HALF MARATHON! #Whoa.

Why am I jittery? I am excited, nervous, scared, exhilarated, positive, and yet simply unsettled. 13.1 miles is unknown to me - I've never *really* ran it. I've imagined it a hundred times, and probably another hundred times just within the last few hours. This is it though. This is the day that I have been waiting for. This is my moment to prove to myself that I am ready. I can do this. I am prepared. But am I?

After starting 3 years ago on my health and fitness journey, I have come so far, it's hard to see how I can NOT be ready. I have fought so hard - mostly against myself - to tell myself that I am capable.

Believe me, I never in a hundred million years thought that I, Catheryn, would be a runner. No way, Jose! When I was in middle school, I DREADED the day in which we ran the mile to measure our physical aptitude. I HATED gym class with a passion, and I thought that sports were pointless and downright dumb. People teased me too for being out of shape. They told me that I ran like a T-Rex, and even made up a stupid song about me when I was in the 6th grade, and humiliated me in front of the whole gym class. People would throw dodge balls at my face - on purpose - and had no mercy on me. I was a little pudgy, and definitely nonathletic, but these actions and words still hurt. I never believed I could be as strong and as beautiful as the 'popular girls'. One boy even *had* to tell me that when I was in the eighth grade. Yeah... He literally said I'd never be as pretty as the popular girls in our class....

So did I let these things 'get' to me? Of course! When you're that young and immature, you don't just forgive and forget. You hold onto those things and you let them build up and start to define you. You forget the things that you're *really* made of and you start to believe what everyone else says you are or aren't.

Well, I can tell you now that I am NOT that girl any more. I don't let people mess with me because I am strong and I AM capable. I have learned to go past my fears and push to that point of unknown. Is it safe? Not always. But is it worth it? Absolutely.

 That is why I am running this half marathon. To remind myself once again that *I* am worth fighting for, and *I* am worth believing in. Does this mean I am looking for validation from others? No. It means that I want to see myself cross that finish line and hear *my* name on that loud speaker.

I did not lose almost 40 pounds, and keep it off for almost three years now, out of vanity. I lost those pounds  and have kept them off because I care about myself and my future. I am not afraid anymore to take those steps toward the unknown. I will take every one and enjoy every step in those 13.1 miles tomorrow. And when I achieve what I have never ever achieved before, that's when I know that I am capable of EVEN MORE.

Nothing is my limit now. Let the roads rise up to meet me, the wind always be at my back, the sun shine warm across my face, and may God hold me in the palm of His hand. 

A Little Bit Blustery

As the wind whips around just outside my patio door, I cuddle deep into the blanket on my love seat, and cower a bit from its overwhelming strength. Wind is a powerful element - and the most amazing, and one of the most frightening things, about it is that it's one of nature's only forces that cannot actually be *seen*. Yes, we can see the trees bending and sweeping at the sky, and hear the wind chimes clanging, but we cannot actually see wind - and yet it can be one of the most damaging forces of nature. One thing is for certain though, wind is never silent.

So much of the time, we stifle our real thoughts and our real beliefs just because they are not conventional. We go along with what everyone else is doing just because it is what everyone else is doing. We certainly don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt anyone's feelings either... We also just trudge along living our day-to-day lives never really thinking about how our attitude can affect others. If we are negative, snotty, rude, inconsiderate, impatient, or downright mean, we're only bringing more of those negative things into OUR life.

So today, I am done being silent.

As of today, I am taking a stand to acknowledge out loud once and for all that I believe in God. Most people have probably known that I have believed for years, but there was something about today that really pulled me to stop and really BELIEVE. Did a miracle happen? Maybe not the conventional kind, but certainly a miraculous conversion of my heart. Today I want God to be EVERYWHERE in my life. I want Him to be there when I wake up, when I eat breakfast, while I get ready, while I drive to work, while I am at work, while I am eating lunch, while I am at the gym, and while I do my nightly routine. I want to talk to Him like He's my best friend - simply because I need more best friends. Honestly, He's better than a best friend. He doesn't judge me, and He always listens. He has forgiven some of my biggest mistakes, and taken them far, far away. He has touched my heart today, and He has told me to no longer be afraid and silent. He wants me to find joy in everything again instead of just cruising blindly along. He is my guide, and He is the wind that has stirred my very soul.

Am I still ashamed of my sins? Of course. Am I still scared that I'll never be perfect? Absolutely. But my strength is in the Lord and He will guide me all the rest of my days.

Today, I challenge you to listen to the wind inside your heart. What has it been trying to tell you? Are you happy with your life and the way you choose to live it? Are you dwelling too much in negative thoughts, attitudes and actions? Challenge yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. You may just find that where you feel less comfortable, you feel more true to yourself. 

Don't Catch a Case of Zilla!

Ever think to yourself that something in your life has to follow a certain path in order to be accepted?

As a bride-to-be, I am quickly seeing that there are many things that people will try to influence and pressure about when it comes to following 'etiquette' or 'tradition'. While I am a rather classic gal myself, I cannot always say that I appreciate so much 'persuasion'. In fact, there are some traditions that I'd like to follow my own personality on.

Anymore it seems like a wedding is a big palooza parade with lots of hassles and headaches - for everyone around. No wonder they have even created the show 'Bridezillas'. I can easily see how I could mutate and become one. Hah! The truth is, I think that 'zilla' (see definition at end of post) is not only caught by the bride. Sometimes it's the overenthusiastic aunt, or the boisterous bridesmaid who's just trying to be a good friend. Whoever it may be, it's key to not get upset about the 'suggestions'; instead, smile, listen, and acknowledge their ideas; then move forward with what your heart feels is right for you. In the end, it is your special day to celebrate.

This 'zilla' effect is not just limited to weddings or brides... Zillas are everywhere these days. Community groups, schools, work, the gym, or even the cashier at the grocery store. It seems that everywhere we go we are constantly getting stopped and questioned about our choices - which seemed so simple to us... Unfortunately, it's quite easy to feel the burning pressure from these questioning folks, and secede are seemingly innocent attempt to do what we have always deemed okay and change to the mainstream. We might even feel embarrassed or flabbergasted and tongue-tied and quickly shuffle along to not cause any further 'disturbances'.

But next time, before you shuffle away without saying what your intentions were, I want you to think of the countryside. Close your eyes and envision the pure, fresh, serene and uncharted tall grasses. Then think about lacing up your hiking shoes to take on the terrain. Challenge yourself to take that one step further from civilization and mainstream, and one step closer to self-awareness and natural peace. Pretty soon, your sense of clarity will be restored, and you'll realize, that there is nothing wrong with your choice, and that you deserve to do the things that make your heart truly happy.

So, just like a country road, our paths in life may not be preconceived with pavement, painted lines, and highway signs. Instead, we may forge our way through the untrekked plains. We may wander, and get distracted, but we will make discoveries.

And for all the big things that come your way, whether it be your choice of school, profession, what groceries you're buying or what exercises you're trying at the gym - as long as you are focusing on what makes your heart truly happy, then you will find that every day is a special day to celebrate.

zilla definition - anyone who is makes an unnecessary judgement or comment about your choices; usually someone highly persuasive, repetitive, and unrelenting; can cause feelings of anxiety, frustration. Zilla is also highly contagious.

All Things Bright and Beautiful

Ever have a day where EVERYONE annoys you, and every possible thing seems to go wrong? It seems to start from the moment you wake up. The sun is either too bright or the clouds are too grey. The coffee's too weak or too strong - and of course you are out of cream! You forgot to charge your phone, AND your shower seems to no longer provide hot water. You forgot your clothes in the washing machine and there's not a single matching pair of socks in your dresser drawer. Then when you arrive a minute late to work or class, you're singled out for being irresponsible, even though you are ALMOST ALWAYS on time. Sigh... We all know this too well, right?

Of course there is no way we can control the things that annoy us. Life has its way of going its own direction at all times. All we can do is learn how to deal with these annoyances.

When I was in middle school, I remember every day in the morning our guidance counselor would come over the loud speaker to give a little motivational talk along with brief announcements, and then she would always end with a small but powerful message: "make it a great day or not, the choice is always yours". Now at the time, I was 13 and felt like this claim was totally false. Everything that happened to me always felt like the END OF THE WORLD, and EVERYONE was out to get me. That's just how a 13-year-old is though, and I've come to terms with the fact that I have grown up a LOT over the years! Haven't we all? ;)

Well, maybe not everyone has....

Working in the retail industry, I am downright SHOCKED at how some people can be so RUDE. No one seems to have patience anymore, and everything truly is always about THEM. It is hard to act with grace and compassion towards such selfish people, and yet I am called to do so every day. There always seems to be that one incident though where I just snap and I just want to yell, get snotty, or even refuse someone service.

Then, I think about how my actions DO truly affect others. If I choose to be rude and negative, then those choices will ultimately circle back to me. If I choose to act with compassion, patience, and respect, then I believe that those actions will circle back all the same. How can I act that way when so many people try to trip my trigger, though?

Simple. I always think about how that person is another beautiful creation of God. I try to see Christ in them, even though it's hard. I take a deep breath, and sometimes I do need to say something about how they are treating me. I confront them honestly and head-on. I will say, "I do not appreciate your tone, and I am trying to help you. Will you please calm down so that I can focus on doing the best job I can." I will tell you, about 95% of the time, this approach will work. Sometimes, there are folks who are beyond any consolation, but you can't let it get to you.

And this goes for anything else that might annoy you throughout your day. Try to find the beauty in failed attempts and stumblings. All things are bright and beautiful, and at the end of the day, you still have loved ones in your life, a warm house, and a warm bed. You are blessed and you are beautiful. It is your job to share your best side with the world. Yes, there will be times when we too fall short, but even when we do, there is beauty. I promise.