Pink & Sparkly

 

My whole life I’ve been told I wear too much pink. Like it’s a bad thing?? I’ve been told I wear too much makeup, I don’t dress professionally enough, I’m too tall, too fat, too slow, too naive. I’ve been laughed at, picked last for gym, got spat on, and yelled at. I’ve had many small moments that have led up to absolute devastation. My family and I have been left behind by a father who doesn’t care at all, and who also caused me to believe many of these lies for far too long. 

I feel so blessed to be in my thirties now. I know I have a ton of life to live yet (hopefully), but I feel like I’m just now coming to an age where I understand my core nature. I appreciate who I am and where I’ve come from, and that’s not a small thing. I’ve been smacked down a lot in life — literally and figuratively. (Insert the abusive parent stuff here…) I’ve also got to experience a lot of amazing things which has helped to shape me to the person I am. 

I think lately I’ve realized how truly special it is that I am so damn pink and sparkly. I’ve risen above. I’m not perfect, but I live my truth. I’m coming to a point where I don’t really care what other people think anymore. I’m not going to hide my experiences. I’m damn strong because I’ve been through so much. I’ve fought every step of the way. I still stand strong in my pink and sparkles.

I may not look like a pharmacist, or a runner, or a mom, but I look like *me*, and that’s all I can do. I’m the only me there ever will be, and I’m done trying to please others or make them think of me in only a certain way. Despite trying to find confidence in who I know I am, it doesn’t make it easy to hear the comments from others… All the time when I worked in retail pharmacy patients would assume I was a nurse, or that I wasn’t a pharmacist. I’d be spoken down to because I’m a woman. I’d be taken less seriously all because I enjoy wearing lipstick and pink shoes. The same goes for my running journey! Just the other day I had someone make a comment about my body not looking like a body that runs every day… Like, seriously? Runners come in all shapes and sizes! Just because I’m not a size zero doesn’t mean I don’t run. In fact, most days I aim for at least my 10,000 step goal. 

Although it can at times feel frustrating that I don’t fit the molds of what people expect, I can say I’m finally coming to a place where I’m embracing it. I love surprising people! My core person is a little girl who wore hot pink leggings and tutus — I’m still that person! Maybe I don’t “look the part” that society expects (or even demands) — I’m so glad! I will say it is kind of funny though how much it can piss other people off sometimes that I don’t fit these molds! 

The moral of this post is, don’t limit yourself or try to package yourself in some box that someone else designed. Shine as you are — embrace your true colors. Even if your colors are like mine: pink and sparkly, you deserve to feel amazing. You are the only you there ever will be. Embrace that. Live it. Let the pink and sparkles flow through your veins and challenge the world’s view of you in the process. Let your traumas help you grow. Be like the forest that grows taller from the fires. Be like the phoenix that rises from the ashes. Be like that butterfly the caterpillar could only dream of, and go ahead and fly.  

Waves of Change

 

This time of year we celebrate all of the change our world is providing. Even though these changes happen every year, there is so much wonder and awe they seem to create. There is so much magic in the air and the brilliant colors of the leaves delight the eyes. Nature reminds us of the beauty of letting go, falling, and freeing ourselves as we await the new. It also reminds us that we don’t have to let these changes happen quietly. It can be a little messy, very colorful, cold, and turbulent. These changes bring us closer to times that we turn towards each other more. The changes invite us to get more in touch with our childlike tendencies. We get to dress up, play, kick the leaves, wear cozy pajamas, drink warm cocoa, and wear our favorite hats, scarves and sweaters again. 

I always find this time of year to be so exciting. This time of year brings some of my favorite things including our wedding anniversary, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I’m also reminded of the wonderful memory of going to London five years ago with my grandpa. Although this is a beautiful time, there are definitely some darker things that have happened during this time too. I hold onto the sadness of my grandma’s death, a traumatic split between my parents, 9/11, and current events including wars in Ukraine and Palestine. This time of year is a bit of a mixed bag, but I’m choosing to experience the joy. I really have fallen into what they refer to as “romanticizing your life”. Is my life picture perfect? Certainly not. Am I very happy with the changes that have happened recently though? Yes! 

I do feel like the prayers, manifestation, positive thoughts and energies have all started to pay off. I first of all am so excited to announce that I think I’ve finally found my dream pharmacy position which I will start here soon. I’m finally leaving retail and will be trying out long term care pharmacy again, but this time with the Minnesota VA. I am so thrilled to be working regular hours with no nights or weekends despite a very rare occurrence of being on-call to assist patients from my home with authorization for controlled substances for severe or emergent cases. Yes, I’ve done long term care pharmacy before, but I feel in my gut that this experience will be much more positive than my last experience. I think I’m just most glad to be able to be more present in Charlotte’s life. Barring any extreme circumstances, I will be home to tuck her in every single night. I will no longer be gone 10+ hours on weekend days. 

With this change though, I will have to prepare myself mentally to take better care of myself. Now that I’ll be working traditional hours of 8-4:30 or 9:30-6, I will have to be more diligent about routines and especially self care. Although, I’ve certainly had a good wake up call to that recently anyway! Sadly, I’ve been working so hard and over-exercising which led to me getting sick then developing pneumonia all while training for a half marathon. Sadly, I had to defer my entrance to the race until next year, but I’m proud that I recognized my illness. In my past, I would have pushed through this all regardless. Of course, I’m a little worried about what this traditional schedule will mean for my personal endeavors, but I plan to keep my free time sacred and chase after my dreams. It’s so critical as a parent to remain true to yourself, and I’m so determined to keep chasing after my goals. 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, and even though sometimes it’s 10-steps backwards in order to make one step forward, at least there is pay-off. No it’s never immediate, and sometimes it’s not glamorous at all, but it’s life. I’m soaking in the joy right now. I’m choosing to look past my pains and see the good. I’m embracing the change.  

Running Towards

 

You may be in on this not-so-well-kept secret by now, but, in case you haven’t heard, I’m slightly obsessed with distance running. If you’ve followed me on social media within the last 10 years, you’ve probably seen a few sweaty selfies here and there… okay… maybe they’re a bit excessive! I totally *get* that not everyone is interested in that content, but it’s just such a huge passion of mine. 

Let me first of all say that the journey has certainly not been linear. You’d think by now I’d be among the elite runner status running six-minute miles without breaking a sweat and a resting heart rate within the forties. Let me be the first to say I’m far, far away from the six-minute miles. My RHR on the other hand, is actually at a respectable 50 bpm. If you’re a runner, you know the importance of these sorts of things! Despite all of these numbers and stats, there’s usually quite an emotional story that belongs to each runner.

When I first began running over 10 years ago, I actually ran a lot because I was fueled by anger. Wow. Yeah. I know, it’s a scary emotion — especially if you’ve been raised to act like a respectable lady. Why was I angry? Honestly, I really despised my body at the time. I despised my body because the world kept telling me it wasn’t “good enough”. I had “friends”, family members, classmates, community folk all make so many unwanted comments about my size. I was always big for my age, but hello, I’ve also always been tall! I remember being picked last in gym class, made fun of at lunch tables, hearing people talk about me behind my back (literally right behind me so I can still hear them…). I think the very first time I recall being body shamed was probably when I was in second grade and a girl stuck a half-eaten tater tot on my tray to see if I’d eat it… I was young and naive, so I did eat it: because why would I want to waste food? Little did I realize at the moment I was being made fun of. Later on another girl told me the truth. The hurt was so deep I felt like my stomach was burning and the tears stung my eyes. From then on I was acutely aware of my body, shape and size. Like I said, the acuity of my awareness only grew with time and continued comments. 

At the worst of my days, I was running a range of 5-10 miles a day usually consuming fewer than 1200 calories. When you do that math, it ends up being a significant deficit. I wanted nothing other than to be thin and accepted. The really messed up part is that most of the time, I was really well received at that point. I felt like I was being noticed and seen for the first time really. It’s crazy how quickly it can spiral out of control. 

Luckily, I worked really hard on finding my self worth, and I also became insanely busy with pharmacy school. I still struggled with the disordered thoughts for a long time. They are whispers at this point, but sadly, they’re still there today. Like a boomerang though, sometimes when you wind too far one direction, you come flying back in the opposite direction. Basically, when I became pregnant, I totally stopped caring about what I was eating at all, and running was a huge challenge due to exhaustion in my first trimester, and then round ligament pain for the remainder of the pregnancy. After having a baby, it was a gigantic adjustment with trying to find myself, and really for the first year and a half I felt like I had totally lost myself. 

You may be thinking this is a story about how I “got my body back after pregnancy”. Definitely not. My body now is completely different than it was before. I have stretch marks and saggy skin and it really doesn’t resemble at all how it used to look. Now, I focus on how to build the *healthiest* version of myself, which includes sticking to whole food choices and lots and lots of protein, with limited consumption of carbohydrates (specifically refined carbs). Although, again, if you’re a runner, you know that I definitely need and eat carbs during race prep season. Now that I just finished my summer race training process, I’ll definitely return to my simpler ways of eating that keep me feeling at my peak mental state. 

Focusing on becoming the healthiest version of my body has been really challenging. I choose to continue to run because it really gives me a sense of power and confidence. These are not feelings that come naturally to me, and generally speaking, they are not feelings I’m really too comfortable with. However, I’m trying to own these feelings a bit more because I have a ginormous responsibility now — and that’s being a mother. 

Why do I choose to continue run? I want to show Charlotte how strong a woman can be when she puts her mind to something. I want her to see that I value myself and the body (the temple) I’ve been given. Is it about being a modelesque size or seeking the approval of others? Definitely not. I want her to build her own path and run to the beat of her own drum. I’m extremely proud of her because I do see a real fire in her. She has so much confidence and joy in her, and I never want to put that out. I know I can’t protect her from everything, and I know for sure I have and will continue to make mistakes in my parenting of her, but I want her to be so confident because it’s the one thing I’m not so sure I’ll ever quite be able to get to on my own. 

Being a mom is not about losing everything that makes you *you*. I have and will continue to sacrifice so much for her to continue to grow into the beautiful girl she is. I will do this while ensuring I stay true to myself and honor the body and the life I’ve been given. I have this one chance on Earth to do something beautiful and my choice is to always cheer other people on. One favorite quote I have that sums this up is that life is about the “ands”. Meaning, I don’t have to choose one way or the other. I know I will be a much worse parent if I don’t take care of myself from a physical, spiritual, or mental sense. I will not sacrifice the things that make me innately *me*. 

I will also continue to impart to my daughter that life is abundant with beauty. Appreciate your own beauty in the way that you can. Celebrate the beauty of others no matter how different they may be. Run towards others and lift them up instead of tearing them down. Instead of comparing, celebrate those that are absolutely crushing their dreams. Kindness is contagious. Keep on running, my dears. 

Making Connections

 

Finding joy has been a major goal for my 2023. One of the ways that I’ve really tried to cultivate more joy in my life is to be much more intentional with my thought processes and my choices in general. One aspect that I consistently aim for is understanding my purpose. How I attempt to understand my purpose is that I first dream up big goals and then break down these big goals into smaller bits. I tend to break things down into time increments and try to associate actions that help me classify that particular time period. I’m certain a lot of you are the same! Just think of each new year when you sit down to think of resolutions! You are taking the time to think about the goals you achieved in the year that’s ending and thinking about new things to attempt in the new year. 

Now, I know we are well past the new year timing; however, it’s good to think back to what you said to yourself and make a mental note of what you’ve done that adds merit to what you said you were going to do. One key way that I try to ensure that I’m remaining true to my “resolutions” is to assign a word to my year. My word of this year, which I promptly decided on in late December 2022, has been “connect”; which, when you see that word, may not spark all that much. However, the word connect has a really powerful meaning for me. First and foremost it’s a verb, an action word; its meaning is “to bring together” or “to create access”. It’s a profound word choice for me in particular, because my word choice for 2022 was “manifest”. Again, I love choosing verbs as my words of the year as in the nature of these words there’s action attached. I just feel so strongly that “manifest” and “connect” are so beautifully paired for each other for consecutive years — especially with the experiences I’ve had! 

I look back on 2022 and realize I was in a pretty delicate place. I was working for a company that left me with so little to give to anyone else (including my family and myself). Our world was still in the throws of recovering from the COVID-19 pandemic, and burnout was everywhere. I was pretty unhealthy as a result of trying to balance being a newer mom and working full time in a very thankless place. I clung onto my word “manifest” though. I knew that somehow by trying to reframe my mindset would help change my life from a place of lack to a place of abundance. I was tired of living in a scarcity mindset. I was done putting limits on myself. 

Fast forward to now, I’ve become a little more confident at being a parent (although it’s still my life’s greatest work and challenge — also the most rewarding). I’ve been working as a pharmacist at a new company for the past 6 months which has allowed me a much healthier work-life balance. I’ve also taken big steps to reclaim my body and my health as both have been a struggle for me. I had been attempting to ignore symptoms for quite a while and eventually got so frustrated that I did decide to speak up, which was not an easy thing for me to do… that’s a whole other can-of-worms, though! I’m finally in a place though where I feel like I’m getting some “footing” so-to-speak. Now, in the past, I would have been afraid to say that, let alone write it down for the world to read. I would have been worried about jinxing myself and then the wrath would be released upon me and my life. Again, that was a scarcity mindset… I’m here now to say that I am making progress. I’m taking the steps necessary to better myself and my life. I’m done playing corporate games and climbing social or other structural ladders to be accepted. I’m moving forward as myself and I’m not afraid to make the connection. 

I think for a long time I’ve been a little bit afraid of making connections. Why? I’m not really sure. I guess because change can be scary. Sometimes success is scary, and failure is definitely scary — terrifying even. I think I have caged myself up for too long though. I don’t want to be afraid of success anymore, and I want to be optimistic (even if it is cautious optimism) of failure. Truly, when I look back on what has allowed me to feel connectivity is participating in the “1% better” mindset. I know my last post was about my petrification of not doing things in an absolutely “perfect” manner. Now, I’m looking at things in a different way. Instead of choosing not to do something because I can’t do it perfectly, I choose to act in a way that’s 1% better than I was the previous day. Again, see my last post for more information of what that process has been like of giving up the scarcity/perfectionist tendencies. Also, I greatly urge you to read “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. This book is something I’ll most likely carry with me for the rest of my life as it helped me to even become familiar with the “1% better” path. 

Overall, what I am trying to get across is that our lives don’t happen by accident. Even though we may not have control over what is going to happen, we do have 100% control over our response. To make the appropriate connection has been paramount in my mental health and I hope that this post will make a little sense to someone else… Our lives aren’t meant to be lived with an attitude of scarcity.. Even when everything feels negative, turn back to see how far you’ve come. Manifest the things that will bring you abundance and then make the connections that allow those manifestations to become a reality. Have an idea of who you want to be? Act like the person you hope to become right now, and eventually you’ll wake up one day and recognize that you’ve become that person. It doesn’t take a huge overnight change — and let’s face it, those aren’t even sustainable anyway. It’s about the tiniest drop, the one step, the one breath, the one choice added up each hour, each day, each week, each month, etc. Free yourself from the big picture, and just take the one step. It’s just like one of those 1000 piece puzzles… each little connection will eventually build something so amazing, you won’t hardly believe it. 

I’m Giving This Up

 

Summer days are supposed to be full of fun and carefree times, right? I mean, yeah it’s technically not quite yet summer, and yeah you’ve got to get up for work pretty much every day, and then on top of work, you cook, clean, shower yourself, wrangle a toddler, run errands, go to church, and try to spend time with family, friends and your spouse. On top of this, maybe you try to do even more like read books for book club (and then your two other side books including at least one self-help/motivational book), train for a half marathon, listen to podcasts, watch reality shows on Netflix, all while obsessively sipping coffee or occasionally indulging in a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in the evening. Wow, my fingers are kind of exhausted just from typing this all out. 

Maybe you’re a cynical person (as I can also tend to be) and you have rolled your eyes a little from reading that section all whilst thinking to yourself: stop complaining and just keep going — it can’t be that bad — we’re all going through the same battle(s) — you’re too privileged to complain like that — you’re bragging about doing all of that. Believe me, I’ve been there and sometimes I’m still there. Judgment is so easy to fall into. 

Here’s the thing though that I’ve really been discovering within the last 6 months in particular: judgment is what is TRULY holding me back. Upon real, true inspection, it’s honestly astonishing how much these voices in my head telling me that I’m too much all while screaming at the same time that I’m not enough have caused me so much confusion, and not to sound too dramatic, but the suffering. I’m stifling my own self for fear of judgment of others all while I never take the time to appreciate or even acknowledge what I’ve accomplished. As a people-pleaser and perfectionist this is the absolute perfect shit storm of shame that is all too easy to get sucked up into. Here’s the thing though: I’m giving myself permission to give this up.

I’m giving myself the permission to let this all go and just do the things. It’s okay if it isn’t perfect or if it doesn’t fit someone else’s narrative of who I should be. I cannot and will not ever be all things to every person, and there’s no way that I can ever possibly make everyone like me. Now that I’ve recognized this truly for really the first time in my life, I’ve found so much more freedom. I will say though, these tendencies and voices are so deeply rooted, it is going to take continued work to hush it all to a level where I can barely hear the whispers. Yes, the judgment may still be there. It’ll always be the fearful siren song that will try to suck me in. 

In the meantime, the other side of this issue is that so many times, I will sacrifice the things that I need to do in order to feel like a complete human (such as exercise, downtime, etc) to try to get more tasks done (such as cleaning, planning, etc). That is another piece of the noise that clouds my brain that I’m absolutely done with. I will always be an angrier person if I do not take the time to do the things that actually do fill my cup a little. There is a reason why on the airplanes they say to put your oxygen mask on before you assist someone else… I literally cannot think or breathe properly if I do not take care of myself. So I’m done giving that part of me up for the sake of being more productive. 

Maybe reading all of this you think, wow this woman is crazy. Maybe I am. Or maybe you’re just a type-B non-perfectionist personality. Again, I can’t let myself get caught up in the fear of what other people think about me. This is just a snapshot of how my brain works. Maybe you read this, and you think, holy moly, this woman just explained everything I’ve ever felt but have never been able to express! Welcome to the type-A, perfectionist, people-pleaser club. However you respond to this blind truth of the core of how I’ve been built as a human can say a lot. Regardless of which way you feel yourself lean, what I do hope can be taken away from this rambling piece work is that judgment is rampant, but despite how plentiful it is, it is not always constructive. I urge you to truly examine how judgment may cause you to limit yourself or try to place limits on others. I also want to tell you to stop giving up your moments of self care for the sake of “productivity” — you will never feel satisfaction from that and you’ll only build resentment towards yourself and others all while causing yourself to distrust your human instincts. 

Build yourself a beautiful life full of truth, vulnerability, authenticity and freedom. So if you needed a voice to say “I give you permission to _________”, I will gladly be that for you. You will never regret doing the things that make you be a better version of your truest self - I sincerely promise. 

Hello At Long Last

 

Hello there?? I think that’s what we say when it’s been 7 years since your last post? 

Wow. Here I am dusting the keys off of my keyboard facing this old blog ready to pen down new feelings. I used to make this a monthly practice… Let’s just say I fell off the bandwagon just a little bit! 

You may be asking why now? Aren’t you too busy for this? Good question, and yes, most likely I am too busy? Maybe? Like a lot of people though I fill the downtime I have with trivial things like Netflix’s “Love is Blind”, countless scrolls on TikTok, and other mindless distractions. This all aside, yes, I am a full-time pharmacist and a mama of a very energetic two-year old, Charlotte. I’ve been married for almost 9 years now to the love of my life, my rock, Tyler. Let’s not forget I’m a fur mama too to our sweet Annie who is almost 14 now. We have a beautiful family that has been pieced together with such love and care. Don’t get me wrong though — we are not the picture of perfection, but rather a picture of dysfunction at its finest! Seriously, parenthood is no joke. 

I think that has been what’s drawn me back to this blog… This blog has always served as a canvas for me to soul dump a little. I feel like I can share feelings freely on here and not bog down the mainstream socials with long winded posts that few care to see or interact with. I recognize I’m not everyone’s cup of tea - probably because I’m tequila! LOL! Seriously though, I know not everyone cares to read what I have to say. What I do want to say though is that there’s enough on social media depicting perfection and ultimately consumerism. I don’t want to get on a soap box or go down a rabbit hole, but I think we are missing a lot of truth, authenticity and vulnerability on the typical channels which we consume. Honestly, I’m just as guilty as the rest. It’s super easy to share the happy (or perhaps maybe more cynically the humble brag) posts. I want to do my part to contribute to in-depth conversations regarding things that truly make me think, or things that fill my cup, or things that piss me off, or the things that bring me joy. 

I want to share a more in-depth authentic journey that depicts a true life of a working parent. It isn’t glamorous, and it sure as hell isn’t easy. Now that I’m older, there’s been a pandemic, I’ve experienced massive burnout, I’ve experienced family drama, really sad times, massively proud moments, and everything in between. I feel that all these experiences may make it easier to connect with others. I want to open my heart a little and get back to writing because it is one of the things that does bring me joy. I feel like I can breathe so freely after throwing words on the walls. 

I want to ensure my content is something that a few would like to connect with though, because seriously, what fun is it to have this conversation with a completely empty room? So here’s where I want to hear from you: share what you’d like to read about! I may not be able to accommodate every topic, but I’m happy to give this a real go. Whether you’d like to hear more about my work, my family, my hobbies (which are mainly running and reading), or whatever. At the end of the day, I’m a rather extemporaneous person, so I will write what comes to my mind too, because it’s truly what feels the most authentic to me. 

Say Something?

I'm having a bit of a late night internal debate about social media and Instagram in particular... I don't know about anyone else, but lately I just feel annoyed by all of the posts that center around someone fishing for compliments. I get that some of the posts are on there due to insecurity, but I have to wonder, are people really that desperate? Or is it because they have so much confidence? I know the normal, healthy thing to do would be to delete these platforms that celebrate a false sense of perfection, but I'd hate to get rid of the reality that does slip in through the cracks.

Besides the false images being portrayed, the other issue is the bombardment of politics/arguments. Yes, everyone is entitled to free speech but I simply cannot stand when wars are started in comment sections over the simplest stories/posts that were never intended to cause so much drama. Can't someone just take something at face value anymore? And if you do happen to see something you disagree with, do you *HAVE* to comment on it? I know there are different levels - like if something is obviously, morally wrong, then yeah, I see that inserting yourself into the situation to protect someone from getting hurt is necessary. Again though, just because you make a post about a belief that *you* think is crucial, and someone does decide to disagree with you, that doesn't give you the right to react rudely to that individual either. Let's say someone posts "I hate Trump" or "I hate Hillary", for example. Is it totally necessary to comment about how "stupid" or "uneducated" that person is? Can't we just ignore it and move on and understand that each person is entitled to his/her own opinion and that at the end of the day, that post really doesn't affect you - because honestly, even if you do comment, you're probably not going to change that person's mind.

All-in-all the platforms that I used to love from a creative standpoint have really started to make me sad. Are we just turning into people that are determined to hurt the feelings of others? Or are we the ones making constant posts to get that sense of validation that we are so hungry for? I know I've definitely done a few things online in the past that make me think about my real intentions of what I'm actually trying to say... And some of these things have made me wonder, am I just trying to seek attention? Am I just fishing for validation? Honestly anymore I just try to post about the things that I love and more importantly, the people that I love. And lately, overall, I've been saying less and less, simply due to the fear that even a simple post could set off a war. I know I shouldn't have to be afraid, but anymore, the censorship runs so rampant, that anything you say can be taken and used against you (especially if it's taken out of context).

I just think it's really important to take a step back - I'm not trying to say censor yourself, but just think before writing - is this a post that conveys my true self? Is it hurtful? Is it necessary? And maybe it's not completely possible to have a definitive answer to any of these questions from every possible perspective, but I do think these questions are important. Every story is allowed to have multiple sides and interpretations - and that's the beauty of a story. Everyone will enjoy the perspective that they interpret, and it's totally natural and acceptable if you choose to see a story different than someone else.

In conclusion, just be kind, be patient, and know that words shouldn't be used as a weapon. Treat and talk to others the way you would like to be treated and talked to. And seriously, if you don't have the guts to say something in person, then you probably shouldn't type it online...